I'm unsure of how to start this post. So I will start by saying this: I am too much of a perfectionist. I desire for everything I do to be perfect. To have no flaw. To be beautiful. To get an A. But even further, I expect (for some strange) reason that the first time I do something I pick it up right away and become awesome at it! Which in 99.9% of my life is not the case at all!
College though, college has helped and is still in the process of helping me break this nasty mindset. Tonight I called it quits on a homework that is due tomorrow after only finishing about 1/3 of the actual assignments. I struggled, and cried, and yelled, through the whole two hours of working on six problems. To which shortly after I decided that it was not worth my time. Please do not misunderstand me, I care about my grades and I still desire to achieve the best grade possible, but I am learning that there are some things I will not master. Some things I will not understand. Some things I cannot change. And some things I don't need to waste my energy crying about. Finite mathematics is one of those things. It's one of those classes that you have to take because some gentlemen in sports coats and their PhD's decided it's something I need to know how to reduce a matrix.
I have decided that though I will continue to work hard towards my degree and work towards keeping my place on the Dean's list. But I will not subject myself to the late nights of droopy eyes and multiple cups of coffee to stretch myself to master things that will not matter 10, 20 or 70 years from now. Because let's be honest, this life is short! Shorter than we all expect and in the end, does it matter that I graduated from college with honors if I was able to reflect the love of Jesus to my friends, family, neighbors, coworkers and classmates. I believe that in order to bring true happiness, we need to get rid of the "here and now" and the "enjoy the present" mentality to be able to truly enjoy life. It's when we shed ourselves of these cultural norms and stare deeply into the eyes of Jesus and begin to fully understand what matters to him, and having done that, everything is so temporary.
I want to be able, at the end of my life say to Jesus that I fulfilled His purpose for me to the best of my ability. Trusting him, leaving everything in His hands. Be it my grades, my love life, my temptations or my grievances. I want to be able to say that I truly enjoyed my life and that I didn't waste it away worrying about grades or finances or relationships. Because I know that He works for the good of those that love Him and by golly I LOVE HIM! I know that He will never leave nor forsake me. I know that He is my Shepherd and will guide me. I know that His peace, which surpasses all understanding, will guard my heart.
I am excited to have reached my breaking point. I now know that I, MYSELF, and not capable of working 30+ hours a week, while taking 17 credits an hour, while losing my best friend to the battle of cancer. And through all of this I have learned that I am not doing it because of my own strength, because if it were my own I would have crumbled a long time ago, but rather because of the Holy Spirit in me. So because of His Holy Spirit, I surrender my body, time, grades, everything. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired over my grades. I am excited to be able to actually go to class because I desire to learn with no dread of coming assignments and unfinished homework because I have relinquished that control and have come to realize that I cannot do it on my own.
So all this said, Dear Jesus:
Will you give me to the strength to carry through? Will you impart your Holy Spirit within me to allow me to continue to carry out your plan for me? I know I can't do this on my own and fully surrender myself to you, grades, fatigue, heart and all. Will you guard them with your peace so that I can trust in you that you work for the good of those who love you? I so desperately need your help and comfort right now Jesus! Thank you that you care deeply enough about me to care about the mundane of my life. Thank you that you have risen from the grave and promised me that there is more to my life than just going through the actions. Thank you that you give me hope and love enough to pass onto others. Thank you that you are in control and that I don't have to worry anymore because it is in your hands. Thank you Jesus! I love you.
Amen.
