The mind is rather amazing when you think about it. It has the capability to create something out of nothing, the ability to communicate both internally and externally, and has the capabilities to both sustain and destroy.
It seems that my brain seems to do the latter. My thought processes are ones, lately, that seem to bring more death than life. And not just in the sense of judgmental or condescending thoughts, but rather ones that tear away at my esteem, that seem to wither away any confidence I have and "shows" me pseudo evidence as to why I am a failure, that I unequivocally believe to be truth.
Changing tracks a bit, (I promise I will tie it all together) I met with my adviser last Monday. As I was sitting in with him discussing my current semester he asked why I was talking Finite Mathematics 104 to which I replied that it was required for my bachelor of science through USD. However, now that I have not only changed my major but transferred schools as well, the class is no longer required.
As soon as he told me this, my first thought was that I should drop the class. I mean seriously, I loathe the class, the curriculum, and the teaching method of the professor, why shouldn't I drop it? But just as quickly as that thought appeared, the thought that my dropping the class would be an example of my failures entered. That this would be yet another example that I can't seem to hold onto anything in life and that it foreshadows my future of failures, that much more.
Looking back, I'm sure these were not my own thoughts, but rather spiritual warfare that Satan has waged against me because well, I'm tired. This semester I work an average of 30 hours a week with 17 credit hours of school, all the while trying to desperately maintain functional relationships with my friends, family, and church. It catches up eventually. And it definitely did last week.
I ended up breaking down to my mom, sobbing that I am afraid of my failures. Not just as a student, because I was dropping a class, but on how that reflects on me as a person. I was afraid that having quit soccer, tennis, choir, piano and having changed my major 3 different times that these were an expression that I cannot, not only, make up my mind but also seem to find anything that I succeed at.
With the wisdom of my beautiful mother, I came to realize that this period in my life, this stress, anxiety, fear, and unbelief comes from a lack of understanding who I am and where my life is going. I realized that the one thing I know is that I want to get married and have babies, but that doesn't really pay the bills, so I have to find something else. Because of this, all of my career choices are secondary to what I really want to do.
Further than that though, I realized that this period in my life is temporary. This phase of worrying about grades, tests, and papers will soon come to pass and at the end of this time, no one will look at my transcript and judge me for a "W" in my Finite Math class (and if they do they are not very nice!). At the end of the day, my future employer could care less about my transcript but rather that I completed my degree and possibly that I held an upstanding GPA. So this being said, is it worth it to continue in a class that brings stress, doubt and fear into my life? Is it worth it to continue to beat myself up over my inability to fully comprehend the concepts when I have known from day 1 that math is not my strong suit? ABSOLUTELY NOT!
I know that not everything we do in life is peachy. I understand that fully. Heck, I spent 2 years learning that in Texas. But I do know that Jesus calls me to life. He calls me to indulge myself in others, in relationships and in love. And if something is pulling from that, if something is acting as an obstacle to that than shouldn't I remove the barrier? I want to be able to say that I have invested myself in the right things, seeking to love others, not my grades, seeking to worry about the welfare of people, not my transcript, and seeking to show Jesus to those unknowing, not seeking to prove my worth through school. I believe that life is about learning not only when to step in and join but also knowing when to step back and let it be.
In the book that I am currently reading for my World Religions class, "Welcome to the Wisdom of the World and Its Meaning for You", (it's fantastic, you should check it out) the author talks about Abba Agathon who built a cell for him and his disciples to live in, but in the early days saw something about the place during the first days of it that seemed harmful. So he said to his disciples, "Get up, let us leave this place." His disciples had a hard time leaving and he saw that that they were held back by timidity so he said to them, "If some are scandalized, others, on the contrary will be much edified and will say, 'How blessed are they who go away for God's sake, having no other care. However, let him who wants to come, come; as for me, I am going.'"
I love this! If something is unhealthy for us, why do we continue to hold onto it with such tight hands. In Buddhism, they teach to live with open hands, letting things move freely in and out of our lives (hands).
So this is what I am choosing to do. I am choosing to live with open hands, leaving things that don't bring me any closer to Jesus or the kingdom of Heaven, living and loving fully, experiencing true joy, peace, and rest. Will you do the same?
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