Romans 8:15

A week ago today, Nate was diagnosed as having cancerous cells in his system. And to be honest, upon learning the news I broke down. I would love to say that this was not the only time it has happened throughout this process, but I can't. I cried when Nate called me to tell me. I cried the day I saw him for the first time in the hospital. I cried the day ADEM showed up. I cried when I visited him in the ICU. But none of these were as heartbreaking as this last time. I thought that we were out of the woods and that the stemcell transplant solved this whole cancer thing, so to learn that it had come back with a vengance was literally heart breaking. To have to see him continue through these trials when I am so helpless to the situation is distressing.
I know that through this whole process, Nate has been guided by the Holy Spirit and it has been so encouraging to watch his influence that he has on others (including myself) through all of this. He has been so upbeat, rarely complaining, when others who have it far better gripe about every little thing. Nate has made sure he follows the Spirit in every decision he makes and it is more than amazing to be able to watch his faith mature and permeate throughout the hospital as he continues to focus on the Lord and all that He is doing in Nate and other's lives.
So last Monday night I broke down. I couldn't take it anymore. I was tired, emotionally drained, and upset. And as cliche as it sounds I ended up crying myself to sleep that night. However, I had to pick myself up for class Tuesday morning so I hopped in the shower before going to class and yet again, the tears came. This time though, I stopped abruptly. I heard someone whisper and soon after realized that whisper was from God. (I know it's SO cheesy but it's true!!) He was asking me why am I worried? Why am I afraid? Is He no the God of the UNIVERSE?! He then proceeded to tell me to chill my pants, that He has this under control and that He has not fully revealed His glory yet. That He knows exactly what He is doing, through Nate, the doctors, nurses, and even Nate's family and that one day His glory will fully be revealed but for now I need to trust Him, and if I had been doing that before this rediagnosis why couldn't I do it now? I then got the verse Romans 8:15 which at the time I just assumed the one that talks about "all things working for the good of those who love Him." But when I got back to my room later that day I decided to look it up and find out what it actually says.
"For you did not receive a spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry "Abba, Father!". This verse hit me particularly hard for several different reasons.
1) I am called not to be AFRAID! It says in the bible approximately 365 times "not to be afraid". And over and over again, there are stories in the bible of seemingly impossible tasks being accomplished because of the power of God. (David & Goliath, Joshua & the wall, Sarah's conception, the virgin conception, Jesus feeding the 5,000, and so on) And yet here I am, wallowing in my cowardly ways, untrustingly afraid of what is to come
2) We are children of the Almighty God! I don't have kids but I have Marco and I know that I would do anything for that kid! If I feel that way about my brother, how much more does God feel about us? And if that's the case, then I can fully trust that our FATHER is taking care of Nate. That as his Heavenly Father He is sovereign and in control and loving on Nate more than I possibly ever could.
3) I don't have to worry about my prayers. I'm not saying that I don't have to pray at all. But I certainly don't have to worry about the words that I pray. I can trust that the Holy Spirit is interceding through me on Nate's behalf communicating to the Father my desires, heartaches, and needs fully knowing each one. What a relief!
4) Through all of these breakdowns from that one verse, I can come to trust that God's glory will be revealed for HIS glory and not for mine or Nate's or the Kittelson's. I can trust that though the path to seeing His glory may not be easy, it is good. I can trust that through His glory, God is in Nate, God is with Nate, and good is ahead of Nate. Guaranteed! I can trust that despite the situation, despite what I know (more of what I DON'T know) God is revealing himself to others through this and that Nate is developing one HECK of a testimony and has the opportunity that not everyone gets, to see God's glory to focusedly manifested through him onto others. What a blessing! And what a blessing for those of us that get to hang out with Nate!
I refuse to cry. Not because I believe it shows weakness, but rather because I believe there is no longer a use for it. If God is being glorified, then why should I be afraid?! I urge all of you to continue to pray for Nate as physically, he is not doing well. Please pray for physical healing but more imporatntly, I believe, that God continue to be glorified through this all, as I know He is.
I eagerly look forward to being home and possible seeing Nate again, but until then I continue to pray and trust in the Father and ask that you do the same.

All my love <3