This has been bugging me for a while and I feel this is something that should be publicly addressed. Dear Eve, stop acting like Adam!
The other day I was perusing my Twitter feed and found not just 1, not even 2 or 3 but multiple tweets about shotgunning a drink, chugging a keg, or winning a belching contest! I used to be one of those girls. In high school I struggled to find my identity and having many of my closest friends as guys I found myself become more and more "one of the guys". I daily wore basketball shorts and a t-shirt, participated in (and sometimes won) belching contests and became immersed in various manly conversations. But the deeper I looked, the more I realized this wasn't me.
I am certainly no girly girl by any means! That is my sister's job. Yes, I love glitter and yes, I love shoes but those things don't define me as a woman. Those things don't even define me as a person. I am not a huge fan of dresses and can barely walking in high heels but that isn't the standard for whether or not I am a woman. I am defined as a woman because of who Christ says I am. In Christ, I have learned that those outwardly characteristics that society often tells us are the deciding factor of a gender don't really matter. I am a woman of God and in Him I contain His nurturing heart. I am the example of Christ's care to the world as men are the example of Christ's strength to the world.
The second wave of feminism though beneficial in certain aspects of our societal role, I also believe was devastating in other aspects. This second wave of feminism launched near the Civil Rights era fought for the independence of women. The whole "I am woman, hear me roar!" campaign catapulted women into the workforce creating a greater sense of equality among the genders. Yet at the same time, this movement seemed to emasculate men. Our pride of saying that we can do it on our own told men, "I don't need your strength because I am stronger than you and can do this on my own!" And yet, we do need Adam! We need his strength because let's be honest, I can be an emotional mess half the time. My emotions guide my decisions, and this is not a bad thing - it is a representation of God's heart and that He is not a God of rules and laws but one of love and grace. Men have an ease about them, they tend to think more logically and are there to fight FOR us not AGAINST us. I think the sooner we realize this, the sooner we become comfortable as women.
When I realized that God had created me for a specific purpose as a woman and not as a man, the sooner I became more confident in who I am. I certainly don't look in the mirror everyday and absolutely love what I see, but I certainly don't loathe it like I used to. I like to think that this change came from the revelation and resting in that truth of who God created me to be.
Womanhood does not come from heels, glitter or dresses but rather comes from the knowledge that I cannot do this on my own and opening my heart to embracing the role that Adam was created for in my life. Womanhood comes from the understanding that my emotions and my thought processes are not wrong because they are different from my guy friends. I remember, my friend Nate and I used to get into a ton of arguments because he was so logical about certain situations and I was the emotional one, and yet we always seemed to come to a mutual understanding and even appreciation for the other person's input and point of view. We grew closer being able to rely on each other to look at a situation from different vantage points, finding that happy medium and recognizing the strengths in each person.
I strongly believe that you don't have to participate in a belching contest to show your strength. You don't have to shotgun a 20 oz. beer to earn respect from men, who probably act more like boys. Pull yourself, embrace who you are and encourage femininity, not in the external areas of clothing and personal preferences but when it comes to the heart. Stasi Eldredge wrote a beautiful book that explores a woman's heart and questions what is true femininity, I highly recommend reading it! It gave so much insight into who I am and what I actually desire for my life and how that is in line with who God made me, as a woman and a daughter of Christ. There is a quote that I love and feel captures the dynamics between Adam and Eve and is as follows:
Woman came out of a man's rib.
Not from his feet to be walked on.
Not from his head to be superior,
But from his side to stand with man.
Under his arm to be protected
And next to his heart to be loved.
Saturday, August 3, 2013
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Singleness sucks. Here's why:
I really hate being single. I really do.
I have learned though, that in being single it's not about what you are waiting for so much as what you are doing now. I know that everyone talks about that waiting period of single life where you are waiting for that special person be it Prince Charming to sweep you off your feet or Cinderella to intrigue you with her beauty. Nevertheless, that's not what single life is about. Single life is about that period of growth, of waiting, of struggles that is the beginning of the Cinderella fairytale.
Cinderella would have never intrigued the Prince had she not gone through her experience with her stepmothers. I'm not saying that every second of your single life is for growth but think about it...Cinderella was tender, compassionate, patient, and respectful. Traits that were developed and cultivated in her working for her stepmothers and stepsisters. Her stepsisters never had to work a minute in their life and ended up being royal b****es. It's the same with being single. The longer you are single (there are exceptions) the longer you develop traits and characteristics that prepare you for a relationship. But in a relationship, you are so focused on the other person that you rarely think about growing yourself and becoming who you are meant to be, leaving a shell of a person after most relationships end.
Society teaches us CONSTANTLY that our worth is placed in our relationships. And to a certain extent this is true. Tonight at youth group, the kids discussed love and how Jesus calls us to be salt to the Earth, to show love to everyone so that they may know that we are followers of Christ. This is where our worth should be identified within relationships. Within our ability to love those we hate or unlovable. My identity is not in my relationship with a man. My identity is found in Christ alone and defined through my relationships (platonic) with His creation.
So if I know all this, know that single life is about growing me to be the right woman for the right man, solidifying my identity in Christ and my relations to others then why do I hate single life so much? Because I'm inpatient. I'm human and I hate having to wait for things, particularly surprises! Ask any of my friends or family, I have ruined countless surprises, be it a surprise going away party or Christmas presents, because I cannot contain my curiosity. I hate not knowing what my future holds and when it will come together. I know that God is in me, God is with me, good is ahead of me, guaranteed, but even these promises can be overshadowed at times by Satan's attempts to show me how alone I am.
Tonight the youth group went to Dairy Queen afterwards, like normal, and it dawned on me that I was the only one at the table at one point that was not in a relationship. My first thought? Not that I'm waiting or that God is growing me or even that I am investing in the right relationships now, but rather that I am unlovable. That my worth is completely dependent on my relationship status, which is being begged of me by Facebook to be revealed on my profile daily. This false and yet so convincing lie is one that has seeped through every facet of society and is one that needs to be eradicated.
I refuse to believe that my singularity is a result of personal faults, traits and characteristics that deem me undesirable (a lie that I'm assaulted with daily) but choose to live in the truth that much like Christmas, the anticipation to Christmas morning is agonizing but once it's there, you are no longer worried about the build up. And like all other fairy tales, the climax of Cinderella is that she is identified as being the captivatingly beautiful one at the ball that has won the Prince's heart and all troubles are no longer significant.
So here's to hoping that God directs Prince Charming in the right direction fairly soon but also that this time of growth, servitude and love is one that is encouraging and a reminder that my life, my world, and my identity are not caught up in my worldly relationships but rather with the King of the world.
I have learned though, that in being single it's not about what you are waiting for so much as what you are doing now. I know that everyone talks about that waiting period of single life where you are waiting for that special person be it Prince Charming to sweep you off your feet or Cinderella to intrigue you with her beauty. Nevertheless, that's not what single life is about. Single life is about that period of growth, of waiting, of struggles that is the beginning of the Cinderella fairytale.
Cinderella would have never intrigued the Prince had she not gone through her experience with her stepmothers. I'm not saying that every second of your single life is for growth but think about it...Cinderella was tender, compassionate, patient, and respectful. Traits that were developed and cultivated in her working for her stepmothers and stepsisters. Her stepsisters never had to work a minute in their life and ended up being royal b****es. It's the same with being single. The longer you are single (there are exceptions) the longer you develop traits and characteristics that prepare you for a relationship. But in a relationship, you are so focused on the other person that you rarely think about growing yourself and becoming who you are meant to be, leaving a shell of a person after most relationships end.
Society teaches us CONSTANTLY that our worth is placed in our relationships. And to a certain extent this is true. Tonight at youth group, the kids discussed love and how Jesus calls us to be salt to the Earth, to show love to everyone so that they may know that we are followers of Christ. This is where our worth should be identified within relationships. Within our ability to love those we hate or unlovable. My identity is not in my relationship with a man. My identity is found in Christ alone and defined through my relationships (platonic) with His creation.
So if I know all this, know that single life is about growing me to be the right woman for the right man, solidifying my identity in Christ and my relations to others then why do I hate single life so much? Because I'm inpatient. I'm human and I hate having to wait for things, particularly surprises! Ask any of my friends or family, I have ruined countless surprises, be it a surprise going away party or Christmas presents, because I cannot contain my curiosity. I hate not knowing what my future holds and when it will come together. I know that God is in me, God is with me, good is ahead of me, guaranteed, but even these promises can be overshadowed at times by Satan's attempts to show me how alone I am.
Tonight the youth group went to Dairy Queen afterwards, like normal, and it dawned on me that I was the only one at the table at one point that was not in a relationship. My first thought? Not that I'm waiting or that God is growing me or even that I am investing in the right relationships now, but rather that I am unlovable. That my worth is completely dependent on my relationship status, which is being begged of me by Facebook to be revealed on my profile daily. This false and yet so convincing lie is one that has seeped through every facet of society and is one that needs to be eradicated.
I refuse to believe that my singularity is a result of personal faults, traits and characteristics that deem me undesirable (a lie that I'm assaulted with daily) but choose to live in the truth that much like Christmas, the anticipation to Christmas morning is agonizing but once it's there, you are no longer worried about the build up. And like all other fairy tales, the climax of Cinderella is that she is identified as being the captivatingly beautiful one at the ball that has won the Prince's heart and all troubles are no longer significant.
So here's to hoping that God directs Prince Charming in the right direction fairly soon but also that this time of growth, servitude and love is one that is encouraging and a reminder that my life, my world, and my identity are not caught up in my worldly relationships but rather with the King of the world.
Sunday, April 21, 2013
I am woman, hear me roar?
I am feminist. I said it. However, I am not the beat my chest "I don't need a man!" type. I believe in the fundamentalist values of feminism. The values that originally started each wave of the feminist movement.
I had always thought that children were my passion. That I was destined to work with children and that any career that did NOT involve children was simply not for me. In my sociology class though, we have been discussing societal issues, naturally, ranging anywhere from feral children to female genital mutilation to racism to crime. And as deeply as the issues/problems revolving around children hurt, those involving women hurt equally as much if not more. As a woman myself, I know how it feels to objectified by society and to see when subjected to this daily for a profit for men (and sometimes women) disgusted me beyond comprehendible means.
I recently read a book called "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge which so eloquently encapsulated every struggle I have ever had as a girl maturing into a woman. (It was fantastic by the way, if you haven't already read it, you should!) In the beginning of the book though Stasi explains where women came from, our creation, our purpose and I could not have said it better myself. She goes so far as to say that woman is the pinnacle of creation, and not to toot our own horn, it's true. Stasi goes on to say, "In one last flourish creation comes to a finish with Eve. She is the Master's finishing touch." There was something missing when it was only Adam. There was no suitable helper for him. Beyond that God makes Eve to be Adam's helper. Not in the sense that we think of help. By English definitions help means to give or provide what is necessary to accomplish a task or satisfy a need. By biblical standards, and by mine, this definition sucks! The original text of Genesis called Eve an ezer, which means more than just help. It literally means "to rescue, to save" and "strength", and is used only 21 times in the Bible. 2 times in reference to Eve, 3 times to nations that provided military assistance to Israel and the rest of the time referring to God himself. This should say something about the character of women then, that if we are created in the image of Him and that He is more than just someone to help us get out of trouble, Eve (we) is (are) the same.
Feminism was originally not created to squash out men. To say that we as women are strong enough to do it completely on our own, because let's be honest we're not. Feminism was created to show that women are off equal stature to men. There has been a quote floating around on Pinterest that I adore. I'm not sure the author, regardless I feel that it perfectly encloses feminism "Eve was not taken out of Adam's head to top him, neither out of his feet to be trampled on by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arms to be protected by him, and near his heart to be loved by him." Here is where the true crescendo of creation takes place, at the unity of man and woman. Figuratively speaking though, this connection goes beyond marriage but rather creates a world where men need women as much as women need men. I believe in feminism being an advocate for the equal treatment of women. From slavery that they are so often ensnared into. For the respect they deserve for what they have contributed to our world.
So where do we go from here? We educate ourselves. We dedicate ourselves. We work together as a community to work towards the equal treatment of women everywhere. We take a stand against human trafficking, against female genital mutilation, against international surrogacy, against child brides, against child soldiers, and we fight. We won't win this war. We can't. Eve will not be fully restored to her glory until Jesus comes again, but until then I believe we can work to give women their dignity. Show them their worth, that they are the pinnacle of creation and are the image of a loving Creator (a love we will never fathom) that exemplifies qualities of love, grace, gentleness, mercy and tenderness that are all exhibited within Eve. This is our goal. To unchain the shackles that hold women down to be submissive, to be helpers to man, working in community with them only to help them gain profit.
If you are interested in getting involved in any way possible I implore to do research. There are SO MANY organizations that work towards the equality of women in any circumstance, location, and belief. In Sioux Falls you can check out Be Free ministries, if you are in Dallas, check out Jesus Said Loved. Other super cool ministries include : Vision Nationals (they run ministries to orphans and widows in India) or International Princess Project. If you are interested in any of these ministries you can contact me (email, text, phone call, comments, letters, tweets, whatever way have you) and I can give you more information. This is not a fad ministry or single handed endeavor. No, this takes a collaborative community working together for generations to come to free women from the bonds of objectification, disrespect, and enslavement that ensnare women, to ensure that Eve reaches and understands her place as the pinnacle of creation. Will you join me?
I had always thought that children were my passion. That I was destined to work with children and that any career that did NOT involve children was simply not for me. In my sociology class though, we have been discussing societal issues, naturally, ranging anywhere from feral children to female genital mutilation to racism to crime. And as deeply as the issues/problems revolving around children hurt, those involving women hurt equally as much if not more. As a woman myself, I know how it feels to objectified by society and to see when subjected to this daily for a profit for men (and sometimes women) disgusted me beyond comprehendible means.
I recently read a book called "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge which so eloquently encapsulated every struggle I have ever had as a girl maturing into a woman. (It was fantastic by the way, if you haven't already read it, you should!) In the beginning of the book though Stasi explains where women came from, our creation, our purpose and I could not have said it better myself. She goes so far as to say that woman is the pinnacle of creation, and not to toot our own horn, it's true. Stasi goes on to say, "In one last flourish creation comes to a finish with Eve. She is the Master's finishing touch." There was something missing when it was only Adam. There was no suitable helper for him. Beyond that God makes Eve to be Adam's helper. Not in the sense that we think of help. By English definitions help means to give or provide what is necessary to accomplish a task or satisfy a need. By biblical standards, and by mine, this definition sucks! The original text of Genesis called Eve an ezer, which means more than just help. It literally means "to rescue, to save" and "strength", and is used only 21 times in the Bible. 2 times in reference to Eve, 3 times to nations that provided military assistance to Israel and the rest of the time referring to God himself. This should say something about the character of women then, that if we are created in the image of Him and that He is more than just someone to help us get out of trouble, Eve (we) is (are) the same.
Feminism was originally not created to squash out men. To say that we as women are strong enough to do it completely on our own, because let's be honest we're not. Feminism was created to show that women are off equal stature to men. There has been a quote floating around on Pinterest that I adore. I'm not sure the author, regardless I feel that it perfectly encloses feminism "Eve was not taken out of Adam's head to top him, neither out of his feet to be trampled on by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arms to be protected by him, and near his heart to be loved by him." Here is where the true crescendo of creation takes place, at the unity of man and woman. Figuratively speaking though, this connection goes beyond marriage but rather creates a world where men need women as much as women need men. I believe in feminism being an advocate for the equal treatment of women. From slavery that they are so often ensnared into. For the respect they deserve for what they have contributed to our world.
So where do we go from here? We educate ourselves. We dedicate ourselves. We work together as a community to work towards the equal treatment of women everywhere. We take a stand against human trafficking, against female genital mutilation, against international surrogacy, against child brides, against child soldiers, and we fight. We won't win this war. We can't. Eve will not be fully restored to her glory until Jesus comes again, but until then I believe we can work to give women their dignity. Show them their worth, that they are the pinnacle of creation and are the image of a loving Creator (a love we will never fathom) that exemplifies qualities of love, grace, gentleness, mercy and tenderness that are all exhibited within Eve. This is our goal. To unchain the shackles that hold women down to be submissive, to be helpers to man, working in community with them only to help them gain profit.
If you are interested in getting involved in any way possible I implore to do research. There are SO MANY organizations that work towards the equality of women in any circumstance, location, and belief. In Sioux Falls you can check out Be Free ministries, if you are in Dallas, check out Jesus Said Loved. Other super cool ministries include : Vision Nationals (they run ministries to orphans and widows in India) or International Princess Project. If you are interested in any of these ministries you can contact me (email, text, phone call, comments, letters, tweets, whatever way have you) and I can give you more information. This is not a fad ministry or single handed endeavor. No, this takes a collaborative community working together for generations to come to free women from the bonds of objectification, disrespect, and enslavement that ensnare women, to ensure that Eve reaches and understands her place as the pinnacle of creation. Will you join me?
Monday, April 1, 2013
Weapon of mass destruction
The mind is rather amazing when you think about it. It has the capability to create something out of nothing, the ability to communicate both internally and externally, and has the capabilities to both sustain and destroy.
It seems that my brain seems to do the latter. My thought processes are ones, lately, that seem to bring more death than life. And not just in the sense of judgmental or condescending thoughts, but rather ones that tear away at my esteem, that seem to wither away any confidence I have and "shows" me pseudo evidence as to why I am a failure, that I unequivocally believe to be truth.
Changing tracks a bit, (I promise I will tie it all together) I met with my adviser last Monday. As I was sitting in with him discussing my current semester he asked why I was talking Finite Mathematics 104 to which I replied that it was required for my bachelor of science through USD. However, now that I have not only changed my major but transferred schools as well, the class is no longer required.
As soon as he told me this, my first thought was that I should drop the class. I mean seriously, I loathe the class, the curriculum, and the teaching method of the professor, why shouldn't I drop it? But just as quickly as that thought appeared, the thought that my dropping the class would be an example of my failures entered. That this would be yet another example that I can't seem to hold onto anything in life and that it foreshadows my future of failures, that much more.
Looking back, I'm sure these were not my own thoughts, but rather spiritual warfare that Satan has waged against me because well, I'm tired. This semester I work an average of 30 hours a week with 17 credit hours of school, all the while trying to desperately maintain functional relationships with my friends, family, and church. It catches up eventually. And it definitely did last week.
I ended up breaking down to my mom, sobbing that I am afraid of my failures. Not just as a student, because I was dropping a class, but on how that reflects on me as a person. I was afraid that having quit soccer, tennis, choir, piano and having changed my major 3 different times that these were an expression that I cannot, not only, make up my mind but also seem to find anything that I succeed at.
With the wisdom of my beautiful mother, I came to realize that this period in my life, this stress, anxiety, fear, and unbelief comes from a lack of understanding who I am and where my life is going. I realized that the one thing I know is that I want to get married and have babies, but that doesn't really pay the bills, so I have to find something else. Because of this, all of my career choices are secondary to what I really want to do.
Further than that though, I realized that this period in my life is temporary. This phase of worrying about grades, tests, and papers will soon come to pass and at the end of this time, no one will look at my transcript and judge me for a "W" in my Finite Math class (and if they do they are not very nice!). At the end of the day, my future employer could care less about my transcript but rather that I completed my degree and possibly that I held an upstanding GPA. So this being said, is it worth it to continue in a class that brings stress, doubt and fear into my life? Is it worth it to continue to beat myself up over my inability to fully comprehend the concepts when I have known from day 1 that math is not my strong suit? ABSOLUTELY NOT!
I know that not everything we do in life is peachy. I understand that fully. Heck, I spent 2 years learning that in Texas. But I do know that Jesus calls me to life. He calls me to indulge myself in others, in relationships and in love. And if something is pulling from that, if something is acting as an obstacle to that than shouldn't I remove the barrier? I want to be able to say that I have invested myself in the right things, seeking to love others, not my grades, seeking to worry about the welfare of people, not my transcript, and seeking to show Jesus to those unknowing, not seeking to prove my worth through school. I believe that life is about learning not only when to step in and join but also knowing when to step back and let it be.
In the book that I am currently reading for my World Religions class, "Welcome to the Wisdom of the World and Its Meaning for You", (it's fantastic, you should check it out) the author talks about Abba Agathon who built a cell for him and his disciples to live in, but in the early days saw something about the place during the first days of it that seemed harmful. So he said to his disciples, "Get up, let us leave this place." His disciples had a hard time leaving and he saw that that they were held back by timidity so he said to them, "If some are scandalized, others, on the contrary will be much edified and will say, 'How blessed are they who go away for God's sake, having no other care. However, let him who wants to come, come; as for me, I am going.'"
I love this! If something is unhealthy for us, why do we continue to hold onto it with such tight hands. In Buddhism, they teach to live with open hands, letting things move freely in and out of our lives (hands).
So this is what I am choosing to do. I am choosing to live with open hands, leaving things that don't bring me any closer to Jesus or the kingdom of Heaven, living and loving fully, experiencing true joy, peace, and rest. Will you do the same?
It seems that my brain seems to do the latter. My thought processes are ones, lately, that seem to bring more death than life. And not just in the sense of judgmental or condescending thoughts, but rather ones that tear away at my esteem, that seem to wither away any confidence I have and "shows" me pseudo evidence as to why I am a failure, that I unequivocally believe to be truth.
Changing tracks a bit, (I promise I will tie it all together) I met with my adviser last Monday. As I was sitting in with him discussing my current semester he asked why I was talking Finite Mathematics 104 to which I replied that it was required for my bachelor of science through USD. However, now that I have not only changed my major but transferred schools as well, the class is no longer required.
As soon as he told me this, my first thought was that I should drop the class. I mean seriously, I loathe the class, the curriculum, and the teaching method of the professor, why shouldn't I drop it? But just as quickly as that thought appeared, the thought that my dropping the class would be an example of my failures entered. That this would be yet another example that I can't seem to hold onto anything in life and that it foreshadows my future of failures, that much more.
Looking back, I'm sure these were not my own thoughts, but rather spiritual warfare that Satan has waged against me because well, I'm tired. This semester I work an average of 30 hours a week with 17 credit hours of school, all the while trying to desperately maintain functional relationships with my friends, family, and church. It catches up eventually. And it definitely did last week.
I ended up breaking down to my mom, sobbing that I am afraid of my failures. Not just as a student, because I was dropping a class, but on how that reflects on me as a person. I was afraid that having quit soccer, tennis, choir, piano and having changed my major 3 different times that these were an expression that I cannot, not only, make up my mind but also seem to find anything that I succeed at.
With the wisdom of my beautiful mother, I came to realize that this period in my life, this stress, anxiety, fear, and unbelief comes from a lack of understanding who I am and where my life is going. I realized that the one thing I know is that I want to get married and have babies, but that doesn't really pay the bills, so I have to find something else. Because of this, all of my career choices are secondary to what I really want to do.
Further than that though, I realized that this period in my life is temporary. This phase of worrying about grades, tests, and papers will soon come to pass and at the end of this time, no one will look at my transcript and judge me for a "W" in my Finite Math class (and if they do they are not very nice!). At the end of the day, my future employer could care less about my transcript but rather that I completed my degree and possibly that I held an upstanding GPA. So this being said, is it worth it to continue in a class that brings stress, doubt and fear into my life? Is it worth it to continue to beat myself up over my inability to fully comprehend the concepts when I have known from day 1 that math is not my strong suit? ABSOLUTELY NOT!
I know that not everything we do in life is peachy. I understand that fully. Heck, I spent 2 years learning that in Texas. But I do know that Jesus calls me to life. He calls me to indulge myself in others, in relationships and in love. And if something is pulling from that, if something is acting as an obstacle to that than shouldn't I remove the barrier? I want to be able to say that I have invested myself in the right things, seeking to love others, not my grades, seeking to worry about the welfare of people, not my transcript, and seeking to show Jesus to those unknowing, not seeking to prove my worth through school. I believe that life is about learning not only when to step in and join but also knowing when to step back and let it be.
In the book that I am currently reading for my World Religions class, "Welcome to the Wisdom of the World and Its Meaning for You", (it's fantastic, you should check it out) the author talks about Abba Agathon who built a cell for him and his disciples to live in, but in the early days saw something about the place during the first days of it that seemed harmful. So he said to his disciples, "Get up, let us leave this place." His disciples had a hard time leaving and he saw that that they were held back by timidity so he said to them, "If some are scandalized, others, on the contrary will be much edified and will say, 'How blessed are they who go away for God's sake, having no other care. However, let him who wants to come, come; as for me, I am going.'"
I love this! If something is unhealthy for us, why do we continue to hold onto it with such tight hands. In Buddhism, they teach to live with open hands, letting things move freely in and out of our lives (hands).
So this is what I am choosing to do. I am choosing to live with open hands, leaving things that don't bring me any closer to Jesus or the kingdom of Heaven, living and loving fully, experiencing true joy, peace, and rest. Will you do the same?
Monday, March 11, 2013
365 days
365 days. 12 months. 4 seasons. 1 year.
I remember thinking one day that my life would only be exciting if I were traveling. And to a certain extent, I was right. While in both South Africa and Hong Kong, I got to experience things that I would have probably never had the chance to here in good 'ol South Dakota. I was able to go on a safari, play with a cheetah, eat crocodile and fresh octopus, travel to the top of a mountain, and visit the red light district.
And yet at the same time I was entirely wrong.
In the last 12 months that I have been home, I have had more of an adventure than I had ever planned. Less than a week after I returned back to South Dakota, I secured a job working in the infant room at a local daycare. To my dismay, I quickly realized that I know nothing about babies but also that I am CRAZY about them. My job quickly became, contrary to many beliefs, a baby fever inducer rather than birth control. I loved going to work everyday and I still do! Don't get me wrong, getting out of bed at 5:30 a.m. is no easy fete, and there are days like everyone else that all I want is to go home and sleep. But at this time, in this place I wouldn't have it any other way. Even though those children will probably not remember me, I should be so lucky that they do, I know that my love and care for these children builds a relationship of trust between not only the child and I but between the parents and I, that will help build the foundation for future trust of teachers, coaches, and other providers for their children.
Since June of last year, so only 9 months ago, I have had three different majors. And between you and me, I'm still not 100% sure what I want to do. But I am 100% sure that I want to pursue my degree in Human Development and Family Studies. I know that I want to work with children. I know that I want to help. I know that I want to make a difference in their life. And I know that I want to live out my faith through the expression of love in my profession, maybe not with words but certainly through my actions. Upon returning home, I was certain I wanted to be a teacher. Not that that has been entirely vetoed, but it has certainly been pushed aside for a while. It's not my main passion. So this being said, since returning home, heck - since starting college! I have changed my career path 3 times but I know that this path that I currently walk, points me in the direction of each career choice I debate over.
Environmentally, my life is completely different. In fact, I feel sometimes like I'm on a different planet when I think of where I was and where I am today. A year ago, I was sharing bunk beds with my sister in an itty bitty room that overflowed into the family room with our clothes, shoes, etc. Today, I'm sitting in MY room, in MY apartment, a concept that still seems foreign to me at times. I have lived at college and though it wasn't my cup of tea, hey, at least I can say that I have done it!
Over this past year, I got to go to Chicago. A trip that was by far one of my favorites for several reasons. It is my last memory of time spent with Nate before cancer. It was drama-free, laid back, and a trip that was based solely on what we enjoyed and what we wanted to do. It was a trip with LOTS of laughter and genuine enjoyment of each other's company. I got to counsel at Junior High camp at Judson for the first time and I got to see my best friend again!!
I watched my best friend wither, fight, come back, and have faith that moved mountains. It blows my mind to think that it hasn't even been a year since the whole fight began and that it is done. Certainly not a knock out though, nowhere near close. I got to spend time, actual, genuine, no distractions time rediscovering Nate. Debating why the new Mumford album was awesome, or in his taste "Not so much..", playing pranks on the nurses and talking about what the future would look like. I learned what it's like to have faith, what it's like to love, and what it's like to let go.
It's been a hell of a year. I wish I could say I wouldn't change a thing, but I can't. But all the while I know that this year, this time in my life, the place that I am at are all working for the good of me. Because He knows the plans He has for me. Plans to prosper me and not to harm me. Plans to give me a hope and a future. And in that promise I will learn to love the skies I'm under.
I remember thinking one day that my life would only be exciting if I were traveling. And to a certain extent, I was right. While in both South Africa and Hong Kong, I got to experience things that I would have probably never had the chance to here in good 'ol South Dakota. I was able to go on a safari, play with a cheetah, eat crocodile and fresh octopus, travel to the top of a mountain, and visit the red light district.
And yet at the same time I was entirely wrong.
In the last 12 months that I have been home, I have had more of an adventure than I had ever planned. Less than a week after I returned back to South Dakota, I secured a job working in the infant room at a local daycare. To my dismay, I quickly realized that I know nothing about babies but also that I am CRAZY about them. My job quickly became, contrary to many beliefs, a baby fever inducer rather than birth control. I loved going to work everyday and I still do! Don't get me wrong, getting out of bed at 5:30 a.m. is no easy fete, and there are days like everyone else that all I want is to go home and sleep. But at this time, in this place I wouldn't have it any other way. Even though those children will probably not remember me, I should be so lucky that they do, I know that my love and care for these children builds a relationship of trust between not only the child and I but between the parents and I, that will help build the foundation for future trust of teachers, coaches, and other providers for their children.
Since June of last year, so only 9 months ago, I have had three different majors. And between you and me, I'm still not 100% sure what I want to do. But I am 100% sure that I want to pursue my degree in Human Development and Family Studies. I know that I want to work with children. I know that I want to help. I know that I want to make a difference in their life. And I know that I want to live out my faith through the expression of love in my profession, maybe not with words but certainly through my actions. Upon returning home, I was certain I wanted to be a teacher. Not that that has been entirely vetoed, but it has certainly been pushed aside for a while. It's not my main passion. So this being said, since returning home, heck - since starting college! I have changed my career path 3 times but I know that this path that I currently walk, points me in the direction of each career choice I debate over.
Environmentally, my life is completely different. In fact, I feel sometimes like I'm on a different planet when I think of where I was and where I am today. A year ago, I was sharing bunk beds with my sister in an itty bitty room that overflowed into the family room with our clothes, shoes, etc. Today, I'm sitting in MY room, in MY apartment, a concept that still seems foreign to me at times. I have lived at college and though it wasn't my cup of tea, hey, at least I can say that I have done it!
Over this past year, I got to go to Chicago. A trip that was by far one of my favorites for several reasons. It is my last memory of time spent with Nate before cancer. It was drama-free, laid back, and a trip that was based solely on what we enjoyed and what we wanted to do. It was a trip with LOTS of laughter and genuine enjoyment of each other's company. I got to counsel at Junior High camp at Judson for the first time and I got to see my best friend again!!
I watched my best friend wither, fight, come back, and have faith that moved mountains. It blows my mind to think that it hasn't even been a year since the whole fight began and that it is done. Certainly not a knock out though, nowhere near close. I got to spend time, actual, genuine, no distractions time rediscovering Nate. Debating why the new Mumford album was awesome, or in his taste "Not so much..", playing pranks on the nurses and talking about what the future would look like. I learned what it's like to have faith, what it's like to love, and what it's like to let go.
It's been a hell of a year. I wish I could say I wouldn't change a thing, but I can't. But all the while I know that this year, this time in my life, the place that I am at are all working for the good of me. Because He knows the plans He has for me. Plans to prosper me and not to harm me. Plans to give me a hope and a future. And in that promise I will learn to love the skies I'm under.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Letting go and acutally LIVING
I'm unsure of how to start this post. So I will start by saying this: I am too much of a perfectionist. I desire for everything I do to be perfect. To have no flaw. To be beautiful. To get an A. But even further, I expect (for some strange) reason that the first time I do something I pick it up right away and become awesome at it! Which in 99.9% of my life is not the case at all!
College though, college has helped and is still in the process of helping me break this nasty mindset. Tonight I called it quits on a homework that is due tomorrow after only finishing about 1/3 of the actual assignments. I struggled, and cried, and yelled, through the whole two hours of working on six problems. To which shortly after I decided that it was not worth my time. Please do not misunderstand me, I care about my grades and I still desire to achieve the best grade possible, but I am learning that there are some things I will not master. Some things I will not understand. Some things I cannot change. And some things I don't need to waste my energy crying about. Finite mathematics is one of those things. It's one of those classes that you have to take because some gentlemen in sports coats and their PhD's decided it's something I need to know how to reduce a matrix.
I have decided that though I will continue to work hard towards my degree and work towards keeping my place on the Dean's list. But I will not subject myself to the late nights of droopy eyes and multiple cups of coffee to stretch myself to master things that will not matter 10, 20 or 70 years from now. Because let's be honest, this life is short! Shorter than we all expect and in the end, does it matter that I graduated from college with honors if I was able to reflect the love of Jesus to my friends, family, neighbors, coworkers and classmates. I believe that in order to bring true happiness, we need to get rid of the "here and now" and the "enjoy the present" mentality to be able to truly enjoy life. It's when we shed ourselves of these cultural norms and stare deeply into the eyes of Jesus and begin to fully understand what matters to him, and having done that, everything is so temporary.
I want to be able, at the end of my life say to Jesus that I fulfilled His purpose for me to the best of my ability. Trusting him, leaving everything in His hands. Be it my grades, my love life, my temptations or my grievances. I want to be able to say that I truly enjoyed my life and that I didn't waste it away worrying about grades or finances or relationships. Because I know that He works for the good of those that love Him and by golly I LOVE HIM! I know that He will never leave nor forsake me. I know that He is my Shepherd and will guide me. I know that His peace, which surpasses all understanding, will guard my heart.
I am excited to have reached my breaking point. I now know that I, MYSELF, and not capable of working 30+ hours a week, while taking 17 credits an hour, while losing my best friend to the battle of cancer. And through all of this I have learned that I am not doing it because of my own strength, because if it were my own I would have crumbled a long time ago, but rather because of the Holy Spirit in me. So because of His Holy Spirit, I surrender my body, time, grades, everything. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired over my grades. I am excited to be able to actually go to class because I desire to learn with no dread of coming assignments and unfinished homework because I have relinquished that control and have come to realize that I cannot do it on my own.
So all this said, Dear Jesus:
Will you give me to the strength to carry through? Will you impart your Holy Spirit within me to allow me to continue to carry out your plan for me? I know I can't do this on my own and fully surrender myself to you, grades, fatigue, heart and all. Will you guard them with your peace so that I can trust in you that you work for the good of those who love you? I so desperately need your help and comfort right now Jesus! Thank you that you care deeply enough about me to care about the mundane of my life. Thank you that you have risen from the grave and promised me that there is more to my life than just going through the actions. Thank you that you give me hope and love enough to pass onto others. Thank you that you are in control and that I don't have to worry anymore because it is in your hands. Thank you Jesus! I love you.
Amen.
College though, college has helped and is still in the process of helping me break this nasty mindset. Tonight I called it quits on a homework that is due tomorrow after only finishing about 1/3 of the actual assignments. I struggled, and cried, and yelled, through the whole two hours of working on six problems. To which shortly after I decided that it was not worth my time. Please do not misunderstand me, I care about my grades and I still desire to achieve the best grade possible, but I am learning that there are some things I will not master. Some things I will not understand. Some things I cannot change. And some things I don't need to waste my energy crying about. Finite mathematics is one of those things. It's one of those classes that you have to take because some gentlemen in sports coats and their PhD's decided it's something I need to know how to reduce a matrix.
I have decided that though I will continue to work hard towards my degree and work towards keeping my place on the Dean's list. But I will not subject myself to the late nights of droopy eyes and multiple cups of coffee to stretch myself to master things that will not matter 10, 20 or 70 years from now. Because let's be honest, this life is short! Shorter than we all expect and in the end, does it matter that I graduated from college with honors if I was able to reflect the love of Jesus to my friends, family, neighbors, coworkers and classmates. I believe that in order to bring true happiness, we need to get rid of the "here and now" and the "enjoy the present" mentality to be able to truly enjoy life. It's when we shed ourselves of these cultural norms and stare deeply into the eyes of Jesus and begin to fully understand what matters to him, and having done that, everything is so temporary.
I want to be able, at the end of my life say to Jesus that I fulfilled His purpose for me to the best of my ability. Trusting him, leaving everything in His hands. Be it my grades, my love life, my temptations or my grievances. I want to be able to say that I truly enjoyed my life and that I didn't waste it away worrying about grades or finances or relationships. Because I know that He works for the good of those that love Him and by golly I LOVE HIM! I know that He will never leave nor forsake me. I know that He is my Shepherd and will guide me. I know that His peace, which surpasses all understanding, will guard my heart.
I am excited to have reached my breaking point. I now know that I, MYSELF, and not capable of working 30+ hours a week, while taking 17 credits an hour, while losing my best friend to the battle of cancer. And through all of this I have learned that I am not doing it because of my own strength, because if it were my own I would have crumbled a long time ago, but rather because of the Holy Spirit in me. So because of His Holy Spirit, I surrender my body, time, grades, everything. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired over my grades. I am excited to be able to actually go to class because I desire to learn with no dread of coming assignments and unfinished homework because I have relinquished that control and have come to realize that I cannot do it on my own.
So all this said, Dear Jesus:
Will you give me to the strength to carry through? Will you impart your Holy Spirit within me to allow me to continue to carry out your plan for me? I know I can't do this on my own and fully surrender myself to you, grades, fatigue, heart and all. Will you guard them with your peace so that I can trust in you that you work for the good of those who love you? I so desperately need your help and comfort right now Jesus! Thank you that you care deeply enough about me to care about the mundane of my life. Thank you that you have risen from the grave and promised me that there is more to my life than just going through the actions. Thank you that you give me hope and love enough to pass onto others. Thank you that you are in control and that I don't have to worry anymore because it is in your hands. Thank you Jesus! I love you.
Amen.
Monday, January 21, 2013
I love you more...
Today on my way home from my grandparents, Marco and I had a dance party as we bopped to the music on his iPad. As I stared out at the country roads, I couldn't help but contemplate the years gone by and how much my little man has grown. From being this ultra-charming, sweet, innocent boy whom we thought may forever be nonverbal to the sassy, still ultra-charming and handsome young man he is today. I believe that everyone has at least one person that has an impact on that person, some more than others. And then there are those, that so radically change your life that you can hardly recognize yourself compared to the person you used to be. Marco is that person for me.
When we adopted, my family was fully aware of his needs, ready to take on the challenge and love the cutest Mexican we have ever laid eyes on, just as God loves us, our shortfalls and all. We were, and still are, prepared to spend our lives dedicated to helping him achieve his independence and full capabilities. I mean, is that not what we are called to do, invest in others so much that they are able to become who they were created to be, reflecting the love of the Father through their skills and abilities? I wholeheartedly feel this is our purpose, this is our call, our job, to follow in the footsteps of Jesus and one way to do so is through following his example of his relationship with the disciples. And as much as this topic excites me and is something I am dearly passionate about, it's for another day.
Over the years of living with Marco, I have learned it's not what I want. It's about him. It's about his needs. His desires. His happiness. And though it is hard at times, to sacrifice a morning of sleep to attend to Marco, it was all worth it. It has been worth the long nights, early mornings, and both trying and joyful days. This makes me sound as though I am his mother. Maybe it's the age difference or the special connection, unspoken bond, between us that guides my attitude towards him to be so much more maternal than normal.
For those of you that haven't yet had the pleasure of meeting Marco, I am terribly sorry. I am sorry that you have not been able to meet the (not even kidding) cutest Mexican on Earth, with a smile so charming I am sure he could win over even the most hardhearted of people. And though his humor takes a while to warm up to, once understood, he is hilarious! Yesterday, when taking down the Christmas tree I stood on the ottoman to reach a few of the higher lights/ribbon/ornaments and while doing so Marco cried out "NO FALL!!" I proceeded to tease him and pretend to almost fall on the tree/tip it to scare him a little and each time I did so he responded with a deep belly laugh that seemed to radiate throughout the house.
I think back to the days of old, when after first moving in with us we would rock him to sleep him at night, to help bond with him. Moments I am so grateful to have gotten with him. And each night, while laying in one of our arm's, drinking his carnation instant breakfast (for extra nutrition) we would sing Matthew West's song "More" to him, creating memories that bring a smile to Marco's face and tears to my eyes upon recollection. So let me end with:
"I love you more than the sun and the stars, that I taught how to shine. You are mine and you shine for me too. I love you. Yesterday and today and tomorrow, I'll say it again and again, I love you more."
I love you more, Marco! (Googly Bear)
When we adopted, my family was fully aware of his needs, ready to take on the challenge and love the cutest Mexican we have ever laid eyes on, just as God loves us, our shortfalls and all. We were, and still are, prepared to spend our lives dedicated to helping him achieve his independence and full capabilities. I mean, is that not what we are called to do, invest in others so much that they are able to become who they were created to be, reflecting the love of the Father through their skills and abilities? I wholeheartedly feel this is our purpose, this is our call, our job, to follow in the footsteps of Jesus and one way to do so is through following his example of his relationship with the disciples. And as much as this topic excites me and is something I am dearly passionate about, it's for another day.
Over the years of living with Marco, I have learned it's not what I want. It's about him. It's about his needs. His desires. His happiness. And though it is hard at times, to sacrifice a morning of sleep to attend to Marco, it was all worth it. It has been worth the long nights, early mornings, and both trying and joyful days. This makes me sound as though I am his mother. Maybe it's the age difference or the special connection, unspoken bond, between us that guides my attitude towards him to be so much more maternal than normal.
For those of you that haven't yet had the pleasure of meeting Marco, I am terribly sorry. I am sorry that you have not been able to meet the (not even kidding) cutest Mexican on Earth, with a smile so charming I am sure he could win over even the most hardhearted of people. And though his humor takes a while to warm up to, once understood, he is hilarious! Yesterday, when taking down the Christmas tree I stood on the ottoman to reach a few of the higher lights/ribbon/ornaments and while doing so Marco cried out "NO FALL!!" I proceeded to tease him and pretend to almost fall on the tree/tip it to scare him a little and each time I did so he responded with a deep belly laugh that seemed to radiate throughout the house.
I think back to the days of old, when after first moving in with us we would rock him to sleep him at night, to help bond with him. Moments I am so grateful to have gotten with him. And each night, while laying in one of our arm's, drinking his carnation instant breakfast (for extra nutrition) we would sing Matthew West's song "More" to him, creating memories that bring a smile to Marco's face and tears to my eyes upon recollection. So let me end with:
"I love you more than the sun and the stars, that I taught how to shine. You are mine and you shine for me too. I love you. Yesterday and today and tomorrow, I'll say it again and again, I love you more."
I love you more, Marco! (Googly Bear)
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