I'm not ashamed to say, when I was 3 years old I decided I wished to be a pig. At the time, it sounded like the best thing ever. Someone feeds you, fat is okay and even desired, you get to roll in mud and you ARE bacon. I didn't think it through very thoroughly though and my impromptu declaration has left me with a childhood story I will never live down. As I grew older though, I realize as cute as a pig is there were different things I wished to be.
I wished to be an astronaut. I am terrible at math. Nah.
I wished to be a vet. Science is not my forte. Nope.
I wished to be a social worker. Never mind.
Today I wish to be make a difference. I wish to be known, not heard of, but truly known. I wish to travel and to learn. And I wish to be Wiley the Coyote. If my sister can wish to be Barbie, surely I can wish to be Wiley right? Here's why: Wiley the Coyote is relentless. He knows his goal and he pursues it PASSIONATELY. And when he fails and is smashed by an anvil or piano as we all expect, he will get back up and keep going.
Often times I struggle daily to do the bare minimum, if I can be honest. I skate through life hardly meeting the requirements and hoping that it is good enough to get me to the next phase of life which will "surely be better than this one". I'm done waiting. I'm done doubting. I'm done procrastinating. I'm done creating excuses. I have my goals and I can see them clear as day. So here is what I am going to do:
Get off my butt and do it (well, not quite, my goal includes doing homework which is best done sitting)
Stop feeding myself excuses as to why it is too hard
Start believing that by working towards this, each step I get closer to the individual I strive to become.
Quit Pinteresting, yep that's a verb now, motivational quotes and do what I'm searching motivation for
Whatever your goal, whether minimal or monumental, I encourage you to join me and get off your butt and just do it and do it alongside a community that is in the exact same boat as you.
By the way, does Wiley EVER catch the Road Runner?!
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Friday, January 10, 2014
What you should actually do before you get engaged
While recently perusing my Facebook feed, I came across a blog post that multiple friends had shared titled "23 Things to Do Instead of Getting Engaged Before You're 23". Being the single 20-something that I am I was intrigued. To say that the author's initial thoughts resonated with me would be an understatement. I'm pretty sure I threw out a few "AMEN!" and "Preach it sister!" but the farther I delved into the article the more unsettling it became.
The further I read, the more I realized that this list was not really about shaping yourself into the type of person that someone would want to marry but rather a list of "Been there, done that's" that don't really make you a better person but are things that you can't do once you're married, i.e. "Date two people at once and see how long it takes to blow up in your face".
I'm not sure about you, but I'm not really one to seek out trouble. I don't find the idea of hurting someone's feelings an experience worth having, and certainly not one that would make me the type of person you would want to marry. So without further ado, I have created my own list of things to accomplish (or try to) before getting engaged.
1. Travel to another country. Taking a year between high school and college to travel the world and to discover myself was the best decision I have made thus far in my life. I learned more in that year about independence, interdependence, courage, and my comfort zone than I ever have sitting in a lecture hall. Save up, dream big and go. It's worth it. I promise.
2. Get your finances in order/learn how to make and stick to a budget, Dave Ramsey style. I think this is pretty self explanatory. I'm not the best, but I'm learning. And though I will have some student loans after graduation, I can say that learning money management now will save me and my husband from several fights later.
3. Figure out your religion (or not). You could be Jewish, Catholic, Protestant, Athiest, or the Flying Spaghetti Monster; I don't really care. Decide what you believe and explore it. Explore other religions or beliefs. Question them. Then try to find the answers. As a Family Studies major, I can attest to the fact that one of the common core beliefs among couples is spirituality and religion. Learn what yours is and learn to explain yourself to others.
4. Enjoy solitude. As a natural introvert, this is easy for me. I find joy in being alone with my thoughts. It is important though to be able to derive joy from something other than a person and finding that in solitude helps in those moments when you want to strangle your significant other and need to take some time to cool off.
5. Discover a hobby or something you enjoy. You don't have to be perfect at it, but by finding something you enjoy helps to ensure that even in a relationship you can keep yourself intact without sacrificing every part of your life to the relationship. Mine? Music. Not playing, but listening. Enjoying and soaking in every aspect of it until my soul is overflowing with it.
6. Learn how to cook. Thank the Lord I am not getting married anytime soon. If this were the case my husband would be eating scrambled eggs and Macaroni 'N Cheese every night for dinner. I'm clearly still working on this skill.
7. Establish yourself in your home and career. If you can establish your home, most of your furnishings and all, think of the possibilities for your wedding registry. You could do a honeymoon, adoption, or charity registry which I think is so much more rad than getting 3 toasters. And when it comes to your career; I don't care whether your work for a fortune 500 company or Wal-Mart. Get to know your coworkers, make nice with your boss, and work your butt off.
8. Meet a personal goal. Set a big goal and work towards. Step by step, day by day. Maybe it's to get back down to a certain dress size, to read x amount of books, to learn a new language. Set to work on accomplishing something you have always wanted to do and get to it!
9. Master a new skill. This one goes hand in hand with the whole hobby thing. However, I think there is something to be said about learning something NEW. Maybe it's practical, maybe it's not. But if there is something you have wanted to learn how to do, why not do it now when you have the time and energy (do we ever really have both?)
10. Give back. Whether you tithe to your local church, donate items to a women's shelter or volunteer at the Humane Society. Learn that your gifts, your talents, and your passions are better spent on others rather than on yourself. Here are some organizations I highly recommend:
http://www.fmsc.org/
http://cyny.org/
https://www.operationundergroundrailroad.org/
http://intlprincess.org/
11. Learn how to deal with your emotions healthily.The sooner you can learn how to reign in your anger and fight nice, the better your future relationships will be. Enough said.
I certainly don't have it all figured out; I haven't even finished my whole first year of my twenty's. But I think there is something to be said about having the world open to me and not wanting to squander it by "making out with a stranger... eating an entire tub of Nutella in one sitting... and being selfish." I want to live my single and married life to the fullest, recognizing that my life does not end the minute he puts a ring on it. But rather that a new chapter, one filled with just as many adventures, late nights (with a baby instead of friends!), and beautiful memories as the previous ones,
has begun.
The further I read, the more I realized that this list was not really about shaping yourself into the type of person that someone would want to marry but rather a list of "Been there, done that's" that don't really make you a better person but are things that you can't do once you're married, i.e. "Date two people at once and see how long it takes to blow up in your face".
I'm not sure about you, but I'm not really one to seek out trouble. I don't find the idea of hurting someone's feelings an experience worth having, and certainly not one that would make me the type of person you would want to marry. So without further ado, I have created my own list of things to accomplish (or try to) before getting engaged.
1. Travel to another country. Taking a year between high school and college to travel the world and to discover myself was the best decision I have made thus far in my life. I learned more in that year about independence, interdependence, courage, and my comfort zone than I ever have sitting in a lecture hall. Save up, dream big and go. It's worth it. I promise.
 | |
| Hong Kong |
2. Get your finances in order/learn how to make and stick to a budget, Dave Ramsey style. I think this is pretty self explanatory. I'm not the best, but I'm learning. And though I will have some student loans after graduation, I can say that learning money management now will save me and my husband from several fights later.
3. Figure out your religion (or not). You could be Jewish, Catholic, Protestant, Athiest, or the Flying Spaghetti Monster; I don't really care. Decide what you believe and explore it. Explore other religions or beliefs. Question them. Then try to find the answers. As a Family Studies major, I can attest to the fact that one of the common core beliefs among couples is spirituality and religion. Learn what yours is and learn to explain yourself to others.
4. Enjoy solitude. As a natural introvert, this is easy for me. I find joy in being alone with my thoughts. It is important though to be able to derive joy from something other than a person and finding that in solitude helps in those moments when you want to strangle your significant other and need to take some time to cool off.
5. Discover a hobby or something you enjoy. You don't have to be perfect at it, but by finding something you enjoy helps to ensure that even in a relationship you can keep yourself intact without sacrificing every part of your life to the relationship. Mine? Music. Not playing, but listening. Enjoying and soaking in every aspect of it until my soul is overflowing with it.
6. Learn how to cook. Thank the Lord I am not getting married anytime soon. If this were the case my husband would be eating scrambled eggs and Macaroni 'N Cheese every night for dinner. I'm clearly still working on this skill.
7. Establish yourself in your home and career. If you can establish your home, most of your furnishings and all, think of the possibilities for your wedding registry. You could do a honeymoon, adoption, or charity registry which I think is so much more rad than getting 3 toasters. And when it comes to your career; I don't care whether your work for a fortune 500 company or Wal-Mart. Get to know your coworkers, make nice with your boss, and work your butt off.
8. Meet a personal goal. Set a big goal and work towards. Step by step, day by day. Maybe it's to get back down to a certain dress size, to read x amount of books, to learn a new language. Set to work on accomplishing something you have always wanted to do and get to it!
9. Master a new skill. This one goes hand in hand with the whole hobby thing. However, I think there is something to be said about learning something NEW. Maybe it's practical, maybe it's not. But if there is something you have wanted to learn how to do, why not do it now when you have the time and energy (do we ever really have both?)
10. Give back. Whether you tithe to your local church, donate items to a women's shelter or volunteer at the Humane Society. Learn that your gifts, your talents, and your passions are better spent on others rather than on yourself. Here are some organizations I highly recommend:
http://www.fmsc.org/
http://cyny.org/
https://www.operationundergroundrailroad.org/
http://intlprincess.org/
11. Learn how to deal with your emotions healthily.The sooner you can learn how to reign in your anger and fight nice, the better your future relationships will be. Enough said.
I certainly don't have it all figured out; I haven't even finished my whole first year of my twenty's. But I think there is something to be said about having the world open to me and not wanting to squander it by "making out with a stranger... eating an entire tub of Nutella in one sitting... and being selfish." I want to live my single and married life to the fullest, recognizing that my life does not end the minute he puts a ring on it. But rather that a new chapter, one filled with just as many adventures, late nights (with a baby instead of friends!), and beautiful memories as the previous ones,
has begun.
Saturday, August 3, 2013
Dear Eve, stop acting like Adam!
This has been bugging me for a while and I feel this is something that should be publicly addressed. Dear Eve, stop acting like Adam!
The other day I was perusing my Twitter feed and found not just 1, not even 2 or 3 but multiple tweets about shotgunning a drink, chugging a keg, or winning a belching contest! I used to be one of those girls. In high school I struggled to find my identity and having many of my closest friends as guys I found myself become more and more "one of the guys". I daily wore basketball shorts and a t-shirt, participated in (and sometimes won) belching contests and became immersed in various manly conversations. But the deeper I looked, the more I realized this wasn't me.
I am certainly no girly girl by any means! That is my sister's job. Yes, I love glitter and yes, I love shoes but those things don't define me as a woman. Those things don't even define me as a person. I am not a huge fan of dresses and can barely walking in high heels but that isn't the standard for whether or not I am a woman. I am defined as a woman because of who Christ says I am. In Christ, I have learned that those outwardly characteristics that society often tells us are the deciding factor of a gender don't really matter. I am a woman of God and in Him I contain His nurturing heart. I am the example of Christ's care to the world as men are the example of Christ's strength to the world.
The second wave of feminism though beneficial in certain aspects of our societal role, I also believe was devastating in other aspects. This second wave of feminism launched near the Civil Rights era fought for the independence of women. The whole "I am woman, hear me roar!" campaign catapulted women into the workforce creating a greater sense of equality among the genders. Yet at the same time, this movement seemed to emasculate men. Our pride of saying that we can do it on our own told men, "I don't need your strength because I am stronger than you and can do this on my own!" And yet, we do need Adam! We need his strength because let's be honest, I can be an emotional mess half the time. My emotions guide my decisions, and this is not a bad thing - it is a representation of God's heart and that He is not a God of rules and laws but one of love and grace. Men have an ease about them, they tend to think more logically and are there to fight FOR us not AGAINST us. I think the sooner we realize this, the sooner we become comfortable as women.
When I realized that God had created me for a specific purpose as a woman and not as a man, the sooner I became more confident in who I am. I certainly don't look in the mirror everyday and absolutely love what I see, but I certainly don't loathe it like I used to. I like to think that this change came from the revelation and resting in that truth of who God created me to be.
Womanhood does not come from heels, glitter or dresses but rather comes from the knowledge that I cannot do this on my own and opening my heart to embracing the role that Adam was created for in my life. Womanhood comes from the understanding that my emotions and my thought processes are not wrong because they are different from my guy friends. I remember, my friend Nate and I used to get into a ton of arguments because he was so logical about certain situations and I was the emotional one, and yet we always seemed to come to a mutual understanding and even appreciation for the other person's input and point of view. We grew closer being able to rely on each other to look at a situation from different vantage points, finding that happy medium and recognizing the strengths in each person.
I strongly believe that you don't have to participate in a belching contest to show your strength. You don't have to shotgun a 20 oz. beer to earn respect from men, who probably act more like boys. Pull yourself, embrace who you are and encourage femininity, not in the external areas of clothing and personal preferences but when it comes to the heart. Stasi Eldredge wrote a beautiful book that explores a woman's heart and questions what is true femininity, I highly recommend reading it! It gave so much insight into who I am and what I actually desire for my life and how that is in line with who God made me, as a woman and a daughter of Christ. There is a quote that I love and feel captures the dynamics between Adam and Eve and is as follows:
Woman came out of a man's rib.
Not from his feet to be walked on.
Not from his head to be superior,
But from his side to stand with man.
Under his arm to be protected
And next to his heart to be loved.
The other day I was perusing my Twitter feed and found not just 1, not even 2 or 3 but multiple tweets about shotgunning a drink, chugging a keg, or winning a belching contest! I used to be one of those girls. In high school I struggled to find my identity and having many of my closest friends as guys I found myself become more and more "one of the guys". I daily wore basketball shorts and a t-shirt, participated in (and sometimes won) belching contests and became immersed in various manly conversations. But the deeper I looked, the more I realized this wasn't me.
I am certainly no girly girl by any means! That is my sister's job. Yes, I love glitter and yes, I love shoes but those things don't define me as a woman. Those things don't even define me as a person. I am not a huge fan of dresses and can barely walking in high heels but that isn't the standard for whether or not I am a woman. I am defined as a woman because of who Christ says I am. In Christ, I have learned that those outwardly characteristics that society often tells us are the deciding factor of a gender don't really matter. I am a woman of God and in Him I contain His nurturing heart. I am the example of Christ's care to the world as men are the example of Christ's strength to the world.
The second wave of feminism though beneficial in certain aspects of our societal role, I also believe was devastating in other aspects. This second wave of feminism launched near the Civil Rights era fought for the independence of women. The whole "I am woman, hear me roar!" campaign catapulted women into the workforce creating a greater sense of equality among the genders. Yet at the same time, this movement seemed to emasculate men. Our pride of saying that we can do it on our own told men, "I don't need your strength because I am stronger than you and can do this on my own!" And yet, we do need Adam! We need his strength because let's be honest, I can be an emotional mess half the time. My emotions guide my decisions, and this is not a bad thing - it is a representation of God's heart and that He is not a God of rules and laws but one of love and grace. Men have an ease about them, they tend to think more logically and are there to fight FOR us not AGAINST us. I think the sooner we realize this, the sooner we become comfortable as women.
When I realized that God had created me for a specific purpose as a woman and not as a man, the sooner I became more confident in who I am. I certainly don't look in the mirror everyday and absolutely love what I see, but I certainly don't loathe it like I used to. I like to think that this change came from the revelation and resting in that truth of who God created me to be.
Womanhood does not come from heels, glitter or dresses but rather comes from the knowledge that I cannot do this on my own and opening my heart to embracing the role that Adam was created for in my life. Womanhood comes from the understanding that my emotions and my thought processes are not wrong because they are different from my guy friends. I remember, my friend Nate and I used to get into a ton of arguments because he was so logical about certain situations and I was the emotional one, and yet we always seemed to come to a mutual understanding and even appreciation for the other person's input and point of view. We grew closer being able to rely on each other to look at a situation from different vantage points, finding that happy medium and recognizing the strengths in each person.
I strongly believe that you don't have to participate in a belching contest to show your strength. You don't have to shotgun a 20 oz. beer to earn respect from men, who probably act more like boys. Pull yourself, embrace who you are and encourage femininity, not in the external areas of clothing and personal preferences but when it comes to the heart. Stasi Eldredge wrote a beautiful book that explores a woman's heart and questions what is true femininity, I highly recommend reading it! It gave so much insight into who I am and what I actually desire for my life and how that is in line with who God made me, as a woman and a daughter of Christ. There is a quote that I love and feel captures the dynamics between Adam and Eve and is as follows:
Woman came out of a man's rib.
Not from his feet to be walked on.
Not from his head to be superior,
But from his side to stand with man.
Under his arm to be protected
And next to his heart to be loved.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Singleness sucks. Here's why:
I really hate being single. I really do.
I have learned though, that in being single it's not about what you are waiting for so much as what you are doing now. I know that everyone talks about that waiting period of single life where you are waiting for that special person be it Prince Charming to sweep you off your feet or Cinderella to intrigue you with her beauty. Nevertheless, that's not what single life is about. Single life is about that period of growth, of waiting, of struggles that is the beginning of the Cinderella fairytale.
Cinderella would have never intrigued the Prince had she not gone through her experience with her stepmothers. I'm not saying that every second of your single life is for growth but think about it...Cinderella was tender, compassionate, patient, and respectful. Traits that were developed and cultivated in her working for her stepmothers and stepsisters. Her stepsisters never had to work a minute in their life and ended up being royal b****es. It's the same with being single. The longer you are single (there are exceptions) the longer you develop traits and characteristics that prepare you for a relationship. But in a relationship, you are so focused on the other person that you rarely think about growing yourself and becoming who you are meant to be, leaving a shell of a person after most relationships end.
Society teaches us CONSTANTLY that our worth is placed in our relationships. And to a certain extent this is true. Tonight at youth group, the kids discussed love and how Jesus calls us to be salt to the Earth, to show love to everyone so that they may know that we are followers of Christ. This is where our worth should be identified within relationships. Within our ability to love those we hate or unlovable. My identity is not in my relationship with a man. My identity is found in Christ alone and defined through my relationships (platonic) with His creation.
So if I know all this, know that single life is about growing me to be the right woman for the right man, solidifying my identity in Christ and my relations to others then why do I hate single life so much? Because I'm inpatient. I'm human and I hate having to wait for things, particularly surprises! Ask any of my friends or family, I have ruined countless surprises, be it a surprise going away party or Christmas presents, because I cannot contain my curiosity. I hate not knowing what my future holds and when it will come together. I know that God is in me, God is with me, good is ahead of me, guaranteed, but even these promises can be overshadowed at times by Satan's attempts to show me how alone I am.
Tonight the youth group went to Dairy Queen afterwards, like normal, and it dawned on me that I was the only one at the table at one point that was not in a relationship. My first thought? Not that I'm waiting or that God is growing me or even that I am investing in the right relationships now, but rather that I am unlovable. That my worth is completely dependent on my relationship status, which is being begged of me by Facebook to be revealed on my profile daily. This false and yet so convincing lie is one that has seeped through every facet of society and is one that needs to be eradicated.
I refuse to believe that my singularity is a result of personal faults, traits and characteristics that deem me undesirable (a lie that I'm assaulted with daily) but choose to live in the truth that much like Christmas, the anticipation to Christmas morning is agonizing but once it's there, you are no longer worried about the build up. And like all other fairy tales, the climax of Cinderella is that she is identified as being the captivatingly beautiful one at the ball that has won the Prince's heart and all troubles are no longer significant.
So here's to hoping that God directs Prince Charming in the right direction fairly soon but also that this time of growth, servitude and love is one that is encouraging and a reminder that my life, my world, and my identity are not caught up in my worldly relationships but rather with the King of the world.
I have learned though, that in being single it's not about what you are waiting for so much as what you are doing now. I know that everyone talks about that waiting period of single life where you are waiting for that special person be it Prince Charming to sweep you off your feet or Cinderella to intrigue you with her beauty. Nevertheless, that's not what single life is about. Single life is about that period of growth, of waiting, of struggles that is the beginning of the Cinderella fairytale.
Cinderella would have never intrigued the Prince had she not gone through her experience with her stepmothers. I'm not saying that every second of your single life is for growth but think about it...Cinderella was tender, compassionate, patient, and respectful. Traits that were developed and cultivated in her working for her stepmothers and stepsisters. Her stepsisters never had to work a minute in their life and ended up being royal b****es. It's the same with being single. The longer you are single (there are exceptions) the longer you develop traits and characteristics that prepare you for a relationship. But in a relationship, you are so focused on the other person that you rarely think about growing yourself and becoming who you are meant to be, leaving a shell of a person after most relationships end.
Society teaches us CONSTANTLY that our worth is placed in our relationships. And to a certain extent this is true. Tonight at youth group, the kids discussed love and how Jesus calls us to be salt to the Earth, to show love to everyone so that they may know that we are followers of Christ. This is where our worth should be identified within relationships. Within our ability to love those we hate or unlovable. My identity is not in my relationship with a man. My identity is found in Christ alone and defined through my relationships (platonic) with His creation.
So if I know all this, know that single life is about growing me to be the right woman for the right man, solidifying my identity in Christ and my relations to others then why do I hate single life so much? Because I'm inpatient. I'm human and I hate having to wait for things, particularly surprises! Ask any of my friends or family, I have ruined countless surprises, be it a surprise going away party or Christmas presents, because I cannot contain my curiosity. I hate not knowing what my future holds and when it will come together. I know that God is in me, God is with me, good is ahead of me, guaranteed, but even these promises can be overshadowed at times by Satan's attempts to show me how alone I am.
Tonight the youth group went to Dairy Queen afterwards, like normal, and it dawned on me that I was the only one at the table at one point that was not in a relationship. My first thought? Not that I'm waiting or that God is growing me or even that I am investing in the right relationships now, but rather that I am unlovable. That my worth is completely dependent on my relationship status, which is being begged of me by Facebook to be revealed on my profile daily. This false and yet so convincing lie is one that has seeped through every facet of society and is one that needs to be eradicated.
I refuse to believe that my singularity is a result of personal faults, traits and characteristics that deem me undesirable (a lie that I'm assaulted with daily) but choose to live in the truth that much like Christmas, the anticipation to Christmas morning is agonizing but once it's there, you are no longer worried about the build up. And like all other fairy tales, the climax of Cinderella is that she is identified as being the captivatingly beautiful one at the ball that has won the Prince's heart and all troubles are no longer significant.
So here's to hoping that God directs Prince Charming in the right direction fairly soon but also that this time of growth, servitude and love is one that is encouraging and a reminder that my life, my world, and my identity are not caught up in my worldly relationships but rather with the King of the world.
Sunday, April 21, 2013
I am woman, hear me roar?
I am feminist. I said it. However, I am not the beat my chest "I don't need a man!" type. I believe in the fundamentalist values of feminism. The values that originally started each wave of the feminist movement.
I had always thought that children were my passion. That I was destined to work with children and that any career that did NOT involve children was simply not for me. In my sociology class though, we have been discussing societal issues, naturally, ranging anywhere from feral children to female genital mutilation to racism to crime. And as deeply as the issues/problems revolving around children hurt, those involving women hurt equally as much if not more. As a woman myself, I know how it feels to objectified by society and to see when subjected to this daily for a profit for men (and sometimes women) disgusted me beyond comprehendible means.
I recently read a book called "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge which so eloquently encapsulated every struggle I have ever had as a girl maturing into a woman. (It was fantastic by the way, if you haven't already read it, you should!) In the beginning of the book though Stasi explains where women came from, our creation, our purpose and I could not have said it better myself. She goes so far as to say that woman is the pinnacle of creation, and not to toot our own horn, it's true. Stasi goes on to say, "In one last flourish creation comes to a finish with Eve. She is the Master's finishing touch." There was something missing when it was only Adam. There was no suitable helper for him. Beyond that God makes Eve to be Adam's helper. Not in the sense that we think of help. By English definitions help means to give or provide what is necessary to accomplish a task or satisfy a need. By biblical standards, and by mine, this definition sucks! The original text of Genesis called Eve an ezer, which means more than just help. It literally means "to rescue, to save" and "strength", and is used only 21 times in the Bible. 2 times in reference to Eve, 3 times to nations that provided military assistance to Israel and the rest of the time referring to God himself. This should say something about the character of women then, that if we are created in the image of Him and that He is more than just someone to help us get out of trouble, Eve (we) is (are) the same.
Feminism was originally not created to squash out men. To say that we as women are strong enough to do it completely on our own, because let's be honest we're not. Feminism was created to show that women are off equal stature to men. There has been a quote floating around on Pinterest that I adore. I'm not sure the author, regardless I feel that it perfectly encloses feminism "Eve was not taken out of Adam's head to top him, neither out of his feet to be trampled on by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arms to be protected by him, and near his heart to be loved by him." Here is where the true crescendo of creation takes place, at the unity of man and woman. Figuratively speaking though, this connection goes beyond marriage but rather creates a world where men need women as much as women need men. I believe in feminism being an advocate for the equal treatment of women. From slavery that they are so often ensnared into. For the respect they deserve for what they have contributed to our world.
So where do we go from here? We educate ourselves. We dedicate ourselves. We work together as a community to work towards the equal treatment of women everywhere. We take a stand against human trafficking, against female genital mutilation, against international surrogacy, against child brides, against child soldiers, and we fight. We won't win this war. We can't. Eve will not be fully restored to her glory until Jesus comes again, but until then I believe we can work to give women their dignity. Show them their worth, that they are the pinnacle of creation and are the image of a loving Creator (a love we will never fathom) that exemplifies qualities of love, grace, gentleness, mercy and tenderness that are all exhibited within Eve. This is our goal. To unchain the shackles that hold women down to be submissive, to be helpers to man, working in community with them only to help them gain profit.
If you are interested in getting involved in any way possible I implore to do research. There are SO MANY organizations that work towards the equality of women in any circumstance, location, and belief. In Sioux Falls you can check out Be Free ministries, if you are in Dallas, check out Jesus Said Loved. Other super cool ministries include : Vision Nationals (they run ministries to orphans and widows in India) or International Princess Project. If you are interested in any of these ministries you can contact me (email, text, phone call, comments, letters, tweets, whatever way have you) and I can give you more information. This is not a fad ministry or single handed endeavor. No, this takes a collaborative community working together for generations to come to free women from the bonds of objectification, disrespect, and enslavement that ensnare women, to ensure that Eve reaches and understands her place as the pinnacle of creation. Will you join me?
I had always thought that children were my passion. That I was destined to work with children and that any career that did NOT involve children was simply not for me. In my sociology class though, we have been discussing societal issues, naturally, ranging anywhere from feral children to female genital mutilation to racism to crime. And as deeply as the issues/problems revolving around children hurt, those involving women hurt equally as much if not more. As a woman myself, I know how it feels to objectified by society and to see when subjected to this daily for a profit for men (and sometimes women) disgusted me beyond comprehendible means.
I recently read a book called "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge which so eloquently encapsulated every struggle I have ever had as a girl maturing into a woman. (It was fantastic by the way, if you haven't already read it, you should!) In the beginning of the book though Stasi explains where women came from, our creation, our purpose and I could not have said it better myself. She goes so far as to say that woman is the pinnacle of creation, and not to toot our own horn, it's true. Stasi goes on to say, "In one last flourish creation comes to a finish with Eve. She is the Master's finishing touch." There was something missing when it was only Adam. There was no suitable helper for him. Beyond that God makes Eve to be Adam's helper. Not in the sense that we think of help. By English definitions help means to give or provide what is necessary to accomplish a task or satisfy a need. By biblical standards, and by mine, this definition sucks! The original text of Genesis called Eve an ezer, which means more than just help. It literally means "to rescue, to save" and "strength", and is used only 21 times in the Bible. 2 times in reference to Eve, 3 times to nations that provided military assistance to Israel and the rest of the time referring to God himself. This should say something about the character of women then, that if we are created in the image of Him and that He is more than just someone to help us get out of trouble, Eve (we) is (are) the same.
Feminism was originally not created to squash out men. To say that we as women are strong enough to do it completely on our own, because let's be honest we're not. Feminism was created to show that women are off equal stature to men. There has been a quote floating around on Pinterest that I adore. I'm not sure the author, regardless I feel that it perfectly encloses feminism "Eve was not taken out of Adam's head to top him, neither out of his feet to be trampled on by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arms to be protected by him, and near his heart to be loved by him." Here is where the true crescendo of creation takes place, at the unity of man and woman. Figuratively speaking though, this connection goes beyond marriage but rather creates a world where men need women as much as women need men. I believe in feminism being an advocate for the equal treatment of women. From slavery that they are so often ensnared into. For the respect they deserve for what they have contributed to our world.
So where do we go from here? We educate ourselves. We dedicate ourselves. We work together as a community to work towards the equal treatment of women everywhere. We take a stand against human trafficking, against female genital mutilation, against international surrogacy, against child brides, against child soldiers, and we fight. We won't win this war. We can't. Eve will not be fully restored to her glory until Jesus comes again, but until then I believe we can work to give women their dignity. Show them their worth, that they are the pinnacle of creation and are the image of a loving Creator (a love we will never fathom) that exemplifies qualities of love, grace, gentleness, mercy and tenderness that are all exhibited within Eve. This is our goal. To unchain the shackles that hold women down to be submissive, to be helpers to man, working in community with them only to help them gain profit.
If you are interested in getting involved in any way possible I implore to do research. There are SO MANY organizations that work towards the equality of women in any circumstance, location, and belief. In Sioux Falls you can check out Be Free ministries, if you are in Dallas, check out Jesus Said Loved. Other super cool ministries include : Vision Nationals (they run ministries to orphans and widows in India) or International Princess Project. If you are interested in any of these ministries you can contact me (email, text, phone call, comments, letters, tweets, whatever way have you) and I can give you more information. This is not a fad ministry or single handed endeavor. No, this takes a collaborative community working together for generations to come to free women from the bonds of objectification, disrespect, and enslavement that ensnare women, to ensure that Eve reaches and understands her place as the pinnacle of creation. Will you join me?
Monday, April 1, 2013
Weapon of mass destruction
The mind is rather amazing when you think about it. It has the capability to create something out of nothing, the ability to communicate both internally and externally, and has the capabilities to both sustain and destroy.
It seems that my brain seems to do the latter. My thought processes are ones, lately, that seem to bring more death than life. And not just in the sense of judgmental or condescending thoughts, but rather ones that tear away at my esteem, that seem to wither away any confidence I have and "shows" me pseudo evidence as to why I am a failure, that I unequivocally believe to be truth.
Changing tracks a bit, (I promise I will tie it all together) I met with my adviser last Monday. As I was sitting in with him discussing my current semester he asked why I was talking Finite Mathematics 104 to which I replied that it was required for my bachelor of science through USD. However, now that I have not only changed my major but transferred schools as well, the class is no longer required.
As soon as he told me this, my first thought was that I should drop the class. I mean seriously, I loathe the class, the curriculum, and the teaching method of the professor, why shouldn't I drop it? But just as quickly as that thought appeared, the thought that my dropping the class would be an example of my failures entered. That this would be yet another example that I can't seem to hold onto anything in life and that it foreshadows my future of failures, that much more.
Looking back, I'm sure these were not my own thoughts, but rather spiritual warfare that Satan has waged against me because well, I'm tired. This semester I work an average of 30 hours a week with 17 credit hours of school, all the while trying to desperately maintain functional relationships with my friends, family, and church. It catches up eventually. And it definitely did last week.
I ended up breaking down to my mom, sobbing that I am afraid of my failures. Not just as a student, because I was dropping a class, but on how that reflects on me as a person. I was afraid that having quit soccer, tennis, choir, piano and having changed my major 3 different times that these were an expression that I cannot, not only, make up my mind but also seem to find anything that I succeed at.
With the wisdom of my beautiful mother, I came to realize that this period in my life, this stress, anxiety, fear, and unbelief comes from a lack of understanding who I am and where my life is going. I realized that the one thing I know is that I want to get married and have babies, but that doesn't really pay the bills, so I have to find something else. Because of this, all of my career choices are secondary to what I really want to do.
Further than that though, I realized that this period in my life is temporary. This phase of worrying about grades, tests, and papers will soon come to pass and at the end of this time, no one will look at my transcript and judge me for a "W" in my Finite Math class (and if they do they are not very nice!). At the end of the day, my future employer could care less about my transcript but rather that I completed my degree and possibly that I held an upstanding GPA. So this being said, is it worth it to continue in a class that brings stress, doubt and fear into my life? Is it worth it to continue to beat myself up over my inability to fully comprehend the concepts when I have known from day 1 that math is not my strong suit? ABSOLUTELY NOT!
I know that not everything we do in life is peachy. I understand that fully. Heck, I spent 2 years learning that in Texas. But I do know that Jesus calls me to life. He calls me to indulge myself in others, in relationships and in love. And if something is pulling from that, if something is acting as an obstacle to that than shouldn't I remove the barrier? I want to be able to say that I have invested myself in the right things, seeking to love others, not my grades, seeking to worry about the welfare of people, not my transcript, and seeking to show Jesus to those unknowing, not seeking to prove my worth through school. I believe that life is about learning not only when to step in and join but also knowing when to step back and let it be.
In the book that I am currently reading for my World Religions class, "Welcome to the Wisdom of the World and Its Meaning for You", (it's fantastic, you should check it out) the author talks about Abba Agathon who built a cell for him and his disciples to live in, but in the early days saw something about the place during the first days of it that seemed harmful. So he said to his disciples, "Get up, let us leave this place." His disciples had a hard time leaving and he saw that that they were held back by timidity so he said to them, "If some are scandalized, others, on the contrary will be much edified and will say, 'How blessed are they who go away for God's sake, having no other care. However, let him who wants to come, come; as for me, I am going.'"
I love this! If something is unhealthy for us, why do we continue to hold onto it with such tight hands. In Buddhism, they teach to live with open hands, letting things move freely in and out of our lives (hands).
So this is what I am choosing to do. I am choosing to live with open hands, leaving things that don't bring me any closer to Jesus or the kingdom of Heaven, living and loving fully, experiencing true joy, peace, and rest. Will you do the same?
It seems that my brain seems to do the latter. My thought processes are ones, lately, that seem to bring more death than life. And not just in the sense of judgmental or condescending thoughts, but rather ones that tear away at my esteem, that seem to wither away any confidence I have and "shows" me pseudo evidence as to why I am a failure, that I unequivocally believe to be truth.
Changing tracks a bit, (I promise I will tie it all together) I met with my adviser last Monday. As I was sitting in with him discussing my current semester he asked why I was talking Finite Mathematics 104 to which I replied that it was required for my bachelor of science through USD. However, now that I have not only changed my major but transferred schools as well, the class is no longer required.
As soon as he told me this, my first thought was that I should drop the class. I mean seriously, I loathe the class, the curriculum, and the teaching method of the professor, why shouldn't I drop it? But just as quickly as that thought appeared, the thought that my dropping the class would be an example of my failures entered. That this would be yet another example that I can't seem to hold onto anything in life and that it foreshadows my future of failures, that much more.
Looking back, I'm sure these were not my own thoughts, but rather spiritual warfare that Satan has waged against me because well, I'm tired. This semester I work an average of 30 hours a week with 17 credit hours of school, all the while trying to desperately maintain functional relationships with my friends, family, and church. It catches up eventually. And it definitely did last week.
I ended up breaking down to my mom, sobbing that I am afraid of my failures. Not just as a student, because I was dropping a class, but on how that reflects on me as a person. I was afraid that having quit soccer, tennis, choir, piano and having changed my major 3 different times that these were an expression that I cannot, not only, make up my mind but also seem to find anything that I succeed at.
With the wisdom of my beautiful mother, I came to realize that this period in my life, this stress, anxiety, fear, and unbelief comes from a lack of understanding who I am and where my life is going. I realized that the one thing I know is that I want to get married and have babies, but that doesn't really pay the bills, so I have to find something else. Because of this, all of my career choices are secondary to what I really want to do.
Further than that though, I realized that this period in my life is temporary. This phase of worrying about grades, tests, and papers will soon come to pass and at the end of this time, no one will look at my transcript and judge me for a "W" in my Finite Math class (and if they do they are not very nice!). At the end of the day, my future employer could care less about my transcript but rather that I completed my degree and possibly that I held an upstanding GPA. So this being said, is it worth it to continue in a class that brings stress, doubt and fear into my life? Is it worth it to continue to beat myself up over my inability to fully comprehend the concepts when I have known from day 1 that math is not my strong suit? ABSOLUTELY NOT!
I know that not everything we do in life is peachy. I understand that fully. Heck, I spent 2 years learning that in Texas. But I do know that Jesus calls me to life. He calls me to indulge myself in others, in relationships and in love. And if something is pulling from that, if something is acting as an obstacle to that than shouldn't I remove the barrier? I want to be able to say that I have invested myself in the right things, seeking to love others, not my grades, seeking to worry about the welfare of people, not my transcript, and seeking to show Jesus to those unknowing, not seeking to prove my worth through school. I believe that life is about learning not only when to step in and join but also knowing when to step back and let it be.
In the book that I am currently reading for my World Religions class, "Welcome to the Wisdom of the World and Its Meaning for You", (it's fantastic, you should check it out) the author talks about Abba Agathon who built a cell for him and his disciples to live in, but in the early days saw something about the place during the first days of it that seemed harmful. So he said to his disciples, "Get up, let us leave this place." His disciples had a hard time leaving and he saw that that they were held back by timidity so he said to them, "If some are scandalized, others, on the contrary will be much edified and will say, 'How blessed are they who go away for God's sake, having no other care. However, let him who wants to come, come; as for me, I am going.'"
I love this! If something is unhealthy for us, why do we continue to hold onto it with such tight hands. In Buddhism, they teach to live with open hands, letting things move freely in and out of our lives (hands).
So this is what I am choosing to do. I am choosing to live with open hands, leaving things that don't bring me any closer to Jesus or the kingdom of Heaven, living and loving fully, experiencing true joy, peace, and rest. Will you do the same?
Monday, March 11, 2013
365 days
365 days. 12 months. 4 seasons. 1 year.
I remember thinking one day that my life would only be exciting if I were traveling. And to a certain extent, I was right. While in both South Africa and Hong Kong, I got to experience things that I would have probably never had the chance to here in good 'ol South Dakota. I was able to go on a safari, play with a cheetah, eat crocodile and fresh octopus, travel to the top of a mountain, and visit the red light district.
And yet at the same time I was entirely wrong.
In the last 12 months that I have been home, I have had more of an adventure than I had ever planned. Less than a week after I returned back to South Dakota, I secured a job working in the infant room at a local daycare. To my dismay, I quickly realized that I know nothing about babies but also that I am CRAZY about them. My job quickly became, contrary to many beliefs, a baby fever inducer rather than birth control. I loved going to work everyday and I still do! Don't get me wrong, getting out of bed at 5:30 a.m. is no easy fete, and there are days like everyone else that all I want is to go home and sleep. But at this time, in this place I wouldn't have it any other way. Even though those children will probably not remember me, I should be so lucky that they do, I know that my love and care for these children builds a relationship of trust between not only the child and I but between the parents and I, that will help build the foundation for future trust of teachers, coaches, and other providers for their children.
Since June of last year, so only 9 months ago, I have had three different majors. And between you and me, I'm still not 100% sure what I want to do. But I am 100% sure that I want to pursue my degree in Human Development and Family Studies. I know that I want to work with children. I know that I want to help. I know that I want to make a difference in their life. And I know that I want to live out my faith through the expression of love in my profession, maybe not with words but certainly through my actions. Upon returning home, I was certain I wanted to be a teacher. Not that that has been entirely vetoed, but it has certainly been pushed aside for a while. It's not my main passion. So this being said, since returning home, heck - since starting college! I have changed my career path 3 times but I know that this path that I currently walk, points me in the direction of each career choice I debate over.
Environmentally, my life is completely different. In fact, I feel sometimes like I'm on a different planet when I think of where I was and where I am today. A year ago, I was sharing bunk beds with my sister in an itty bitty room that overflowed into the family room with our clothes, shoes, etc. Today, I'm sitting in MY room, in MY apartment, a concept that still seems foreign to me at times. I have lived at college and though it wasn't my cup of tea, hey, at least I can say that I have done it!
Over this past year, I got to go to Chicago. A trip that was by far one of my favorites for several reasons. It is my last memory of time spent with Nate before cancer. It was drama-free, laid back, and a trip that was based solely on what we enjoyed and what we wanted to do. It was a trip with LOTS of laughter and genuine enjoyment of each other's company. I got to counsel at Junior High camp at Judson for the first time and I got to see my best friend again!!
I watched my best friend wither, fight, come back, and have faith that moved mountains. It blows my mind to think that it hasn't even been a year since the whole fight began and that it is done. Certainly not a knock out though, nowhere near close. I got to spend time, actual, genuine, no distractions time rediscovering Nate. Debating why the new Mumford album was awesome, or in his taste "Not so much..", playing pranks on the nurses and talking about what the future would look like. I learned what it's like to have faith, what it's like to love, and what it's like to let go.
It's been a hell of a year. I wish I could say I wouldn't change a thing, but I can't. But all the while I know that this year, this time in my life, the place that I am at are all working for the good of me. Because He knows the plans He has for me. Plans to prosper me and not to harm me. Plans to give me a hope and a future. And in that promise I will learn to love the skies I'm under.
I remember thinking one day that my life would only be exciting if I were traveling. And to a certain extent, I was right. While in both South Africa and Hong Kong, I got to experience things that I would have probably never had the chance to here in good 'ol South Dakota. I was able to go on a safari, play with a cheetah, eat crocodile and fresh octopus, travel to the top of a mountain, and visit the red light district.
And yet at the same time I was entirely wrong.
In the last 12 months that I have been home, I have had more of an adventure than I had ever planned. Less than a week after I returned back to South Dakota, I secured a job working in the infant room at a local daycare. To my dismay, I quickly realized that I know nothing about babies but also that I am CRAZY about them. My job quickly became, contrary to many beliefs, a baby fever inducer rather than birth control. I loved going to work everyday and I still do! Don't get me wrong, getting out of bed at 5:30 a.m. is no easy fete, and there are days like everyone else that all I want is to go home and sleep. But at this time, in this place I wouldn't have it any other way. Even though those children will probably not remember me, I should be so lucky that they do, I know that my love and care for these children builds a relationship of trust between not only the child and I but between the parents and I, that will help build the foundation for future trust of teachers, coaches, and other providers for their children.
Since June of last year, so only 9 months ago, I have had three different majors. And between you and me, I'm still not 100% sure what I want to do. But I am 100% sure that I want to pursue my degree in Human Development and Family Studies. I know that I want to work with children. I know that I want to help. I know that I want to make a difference in their life. And I know that I want to live out my faith through the expression of love in my profession, maybe not with words but certainly through my actions. Upon returning home, I was certain I wanted to be a teacher. Not that that has been entirely vetoed, but it has certainly been pushed aside for a while. It's not my main passion. So this being said, since returning home, heck - since starting college! I have changed my career path 3 times but I know that this path that I currently walk, points me in the direction of each career choice I debate over.
Environmentally, my life is completely different. In fact, I feel sometimes like I'm on a different planet when I think of where I was and where I am today. A year ago, I was sharing bunk beds with my sister in an itty bitty room that overflowed into the family room with our clothes, shoes, etc. Today, I'm sitting in MY room, in MY apartment, a concept that still seems foreign to me at times. I have lived at college and though it wasn't my cup of tea, hey, at least I can say that I have done it!
Over this past year, I got to go to Chicago. A trip that was by far one of my favorites for several reasons. It is my last memory of time spent with Nate before cancer. It was drama-free, laid back, and a trip that was based solely on what we enjoyed and what we wanted to do. It was a trip with LOTS of laughter and genuine enjoyment of each other's company. I got to counsel at Junior High camp at Judson for the first time and I got to see my best friend again!!
I watched my best friend wither, fight, come back, and have faith that moved mountains. It blows my mind to think that it hasn't even been a year since the whole fight began and that it is done. Certainly not a knock out though, nowhere near close. I got to spend time, actual, genuine, no distractions time rediscovering Nate. Debating why the new Mumford album was awesome, or in his taste "Not so much..", playing pranks on the nurses and talking about what the future would look like. I learned what it's like to have faith, what it's like to love, and what it's like to let go.
It's been a hell of a year. I wish I could say I wouldn't change a thing, but I can't. But all the while I know that this year, this time in my life, the place that I am at are all working for the good of me. Because He knows the plans He has for me. Plans to prosper me and not to harm me. Plans to give me a hope and a future. And in that promise I will learn to love the skies I'm under.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Letting go and acutally LIVING
I'm unsure of how to start this post. So I will start by saying this: I am too much of a perfectionist. I desire for everything I do to be perfect. To have no flaw. To be beautiful. To get an A. But even further, I expect (for some strange) reason that the first time I do something I pick it up right away and become awesome at it! Which in 99.9% of my life is not the case at all!
College though, college has helped and is still in the process of helping me break this nasty mindset. Tonight I called it quits on a homework that is due tomorrow after only finishing about 1/3 of the actual assignments. I struggled, and cried, and yelled, through the whole two hours of working on six problems. To which shortly after I decided that it was not worth my time. Please do not misunderstand me, I care about my grades and I still desire to achieve the best grade possible, but I am learning that there are some things I will not master. Some things I will not understand. Some things I cannot change. And some things I don't need to waste my energy crying about. Finite mathematics is one of those things. It's one of those classes that you have to take because some gentlemen in sports coats and their PhD's decided it's something I need to know how to reduce a matrix.
I have decided that though I will continue to work hard towards my degree and work towards keeping my place on the Dean's list. But I will not subject myself to the late nights of droopy eyes and multiple cups of coffee to stretch myself to master things that will not matter 10, 20 or 70 years from now. Because let's be honest, this life is short! Shorter than we all expect and in the end, does it matter that I graduated from college with honors if I was able to reflect the love of Jesus to my friends, family, neighbors, coworkers and classmates. I believe that in order to bring true happiness, we need to get rid of the "here and now" and the "enjoy the present" mentality to be able to truly enjoy life. It's when we shed ourselves of these cultural norms and stare deeply into the eyes of Jesus and begin to fully understand what matters to him, and having done that, everything is so temporary.
I want to be able, at the end of my life say to Jesus that I fulfilled His purpose for me to the best of my ability. Trusting him, leaving everything in His hands. Be it my grades, my love life, my temptations or my grievances. I want to be able to say that I truly enjoyed my life and that I didn't waste it away worrying about grades or finances or relationships. Because I know that He works for the good of those that love Him and by golly I LOVE HIM! I know that He will never leave nor forsake me. I know that He is my Shepherd and will guide me. I know that His peace, which surpasses all understanding, will guard my heart.
I am excited to have reached my breaking point. I now know that I, MYSELF, and not capable of working 30+ hours a week, while taking 17 credits an hour, while losing my best friend to the battle of cancer. And through all of this I have learned that I am not doing it because of my own strength, because if it were my own I would have crumbled a long time ago, but rather because of the Holy Spirit in me. So because of His Holy Spirit, I surrender my body, time, grades, everything. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired over my grades. I am excited to be able to actually go to class because I desire to learn with no dread of coming assignments and unfinished homework because I have relinquished that control and have come to realize that I cannot do it on my own.
So all this said, Dear Jesus:
Will you give me to the strength to carry through? Will you impart your Holy Spirit within me to allow me to continue to carry out your plan for me? I know I can't do this on my own and fully surrender myself to you, grades, fatigue, heart and all. Will you guard them with your peace so that I can trust in you that you work for the good of those who love you? I so desperately need your help and comfort right now Jesus! Thank you that you care deeply enough about me to care about the mundane of my life. Thank you that you have risen from the grave and promised me that there is more to my life than just going through the actions. Thank you that you give me hope and love enough to pass onto others. Thank you that you are in control and that I don't have to worry anymore because it is in your hands. Thank you Jesus! I love you.
Amen.
College though, college has helped and is still in the process of helping me break this nasty mindset. Tonight I called it quits on a homework that is due tomorrow after only finishing about 1/3 of the actual assignments. I struggled, and cried, and yelled, through the whole two hours of working on six problems. To which shortly after I decided that it was not worth my time. Please do not misunderstand me, I care about my grades and I still desire to achieve the best grade possible, but I am learning that there are some things I will not master. Some things I will not understand. Some things I cannot change. And some things I don't need to waste my energy crying about. Finite mathematics is one of those things. It's one of those classes that you have to take because some gentlemen in sports coats and their PhD's decided it's something I need to know how to reduce a matrix.
I have decided that though I will continue to work hard towards my degree and work towards keeping my place on the Dean's list. But I will not subject myself to the late nights of droopy eyes and multiple cups of coffee to stretch myself to master things that will not matter 10, 20 or 70 years from now. Because let's be honest, this life is short! Shorter than we all expect and in the end, does it matter that I graduated from college with honors if I was able to reflect the love of Jesus to my friends, family, neighbors, coworkers and classmates. I believe that in order to bring true happiness, we need to get rid of the "here and now" and the "enjoy the present" mentality to be able to truly enjoy life. It's when we shed ourselves of these cultural norms and stare deeply into the eyes of Jesus and begin to fully understand what matters to him, and having done that, everything is so temporary.
I want to be able, at the end of my life say to Jesus that I fulfilled His purpose for me to the best of my ability. Trusting him, leaving everything in His hands. Be it my grades, my love life, my temptations or my grievances. I want to be able to say that I truly enjoyed my life and that I didn't waste it away worrying about grades or finances or relationships. Because I know that He works for the good of those that love Him and by golly I LOVE HIM! I know that He will never leave nor forsake me. I know that He is my Shepherd and will guide me. I know that His peace, which surpasses all understanding, will guard my heart.
I am excited to have reached my breaking point. I now know that I, MYSELF, and not capable of working 30+ hours a week, while taking 17 credits an hour, while losing my best friend to the battle of cancer. And through all of this I have learned that I am not doing it because of my own strength, because if it were my own I would have crumbled a long time ago, but rather because of the Holy Spirit in me. So because of His Holy Spirit, I surrender my body, time, grades, everything. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired over my grades. I am excited to be able to actually go to class because I desire to learn with no dread of coming assignments and unfinished homework because I have relinquished that control and have come to realize that I cannot do it on my own.
So all this said, Dear Jesus:
Will you give me to the strength to carry through? Will you impart your Holy Spirit within me to allow me to continue to carry out your plan for me? I know I can't do this on my own and fully surrender myself to you, grades, fatigue, heart and all. Will you guard them with your peace so that I can trust in you that you work for the good of those who love you? I so desperately need your help and comfort right now Jesus! Thank you that you care deeply enough about me to care about the mundane of my life. Thank you that you have risen from the grave and promised me that there is more to my life than just going through the actions. Thank you that you give me hope and love enough to pass onto others. Thank you that you are in control and that I don't have to worry anymore because it is in your hands. Thank you Jesus! I love you.
Amen.
Monday, January 21, 2013
I love you more...
Today on my way home from my grandparents, Marco and I had a dance party as we bopped to the music on his iPad. As I stared out at the country roads, I couldn't help but contemplate the years gone by and how much my little man has grown. From being this ultra-charming, sweet, innocent boy whom we thought may forever be nonverbal to the sassy, still ultra-charming and handsome young man he is today. I believe that everyone has at least one person that has an impact on that person, some more than others. And then there are those, that so radically change your life that you can hardly recognize yourself compared to the person you used to be. Marco is that person for me.
When we adopted, my family was fully aware of his needs, ready to take on the challenge and love the cutest Mexican we have ever laid eyes on, just as God loves us, our shortfalls and all. We were, and still are, prepared to spend our lives dedicated to helping him achieve his independence and full capabilities. I mean, is that not what we are called to do, invest in others so much that they are able to become who they were created to be, reflecting the love of the Father through their skills and abilities? I wholeheartedly feel this is our purpose, this is our call, our job, to follow in the footsteps of Jesus and one way to do so is through following his example of his relationship with the disciples. And as much as this topic excites me and is something I am dearly passionate about, it's for another day.
Over the years of living with Marco, I have learned it's not what I want. It's about him. It's about his needs. His desires. His happiness. And though it is hard at times, to sacrifice a morning of sleep to attend to Marco, it was all worth it. It has been worth the long nights, early mornings, and both trying and joyful days. This makes me sound as though I am his mother. Maybe it's the age difference or the special connection, unspoken bond, between us that guides my attitude towards him to be so much more maternal than normal.
For those of you that haven't yet had the pleasure of meeting Marco, I am terribly sorry. I am sorry that you have not been able to meet the (not even kidding) cutest Mexican on Earth, with a smile so charming I am sure he could win over even the most hardhearted of people. And though his humor takes a while to warm up to, once understood, he is hilarious! Yesterday, when taking down the Christmas tree I stood on the ottoman to reach a few of the higher lights/ribbon/ornaments and while doing so Marco cried out "NO FALL!!" I proceeded to tease him and pretend to almost fall on the tree/tip it to scare him a little and each time I did so he responded with a deep belly laugh that seemed to radiate throughout the house.
I think back to the days of old, when after first moving in with us we would rock him to sleep him at night, to help bond with him. Moments I am so grateful to have gotten with him. And each night, while laying in one of our arm's, drinking his carnation instant breakfast (for extra nutrition) we would sing Matthew West's song "More" to him, creating memories that bring a smile to Marco's face and tears to my eyes upon recollection. So let me end with:
"I love you more than the sun and the stars, that I taught how to shine. You are mine and you shine for me too. I love you. Yesterday and today and tomorrow, I'll say it again and again, I love you more."
I love you more, Marco! (Googly Bear)
When we adopted, my family was fully aware of his needs, ready to take on the challenge and love the cutest Mexican we have ever laid eyes on, just as God loves us, our shortfalls and all. We were, and still are, prepared to spend our lives dedicated to helping him achieve his independence and full capabilities. I mean, is that not what we are called to do, invest in others so much that they are able to become who they were created to be, reflecting the love of the Father through their skills and abilities? I wholeheartedly feel this is our purpose, this is our call, our job, to follow in the footsteps of Jesus and one way to do so is through following his example of his relationship with the disciples. And as much as this topic excites me and is something I am dearly passionate about, it's for another day.
Over the years of living with Marco, I have learned it's not what I want. It's about him. It's about his needs. His desires. His happiness. And though it is hard at times, to sacrifice a morning of sleep to attend to Marco, it was all worth it. It has been worth the long nights, early mornings, and both trying and joyful days. This makes me sound as though I am his mother. Maybe it's the age difference or the special connection, unspoken bond, between us that guides my attitude towards him to be so much more maternal than normal.
For those of you that haven't yet had the pleasure of meeting Marco, I am terribly sorry. I am sorry that you have not been able to meet the (not even kidding) cutest Mexican on Earth, with a smile so charming I am sure he could win over even the most hardhearted of people. And though his humor takes a while to warm up to, once understood, he is hilarious! Yesterday, when taking down the Christmas tree I stood on the ottoman to reach a few of the higher lights/ribbon/ornaments and while doing so Marco cried out "NO FALL!!" I proceeded to tease him and pretend to almost fall on the tree/tip it to scare him a little and each time I did so he responded with a deep belly laugh that seemed to radiate throughout the house.
I think back to the days of old, when after first moving in with us we would rock him to sleep him at night, to help bond with him. Moments I am so grateful to have gotten with him. And each night, while laying in one of our arm's, drinking his carnation instant breakfast (for extra nutrition) we would sing Matthew West's song "More" to him, creating memories that bring a smile to Marco's face and tears to my eyes upon recollection. So let me end with:
"I love you more than the sun and the stars, that I taught how to shine. You are mine and you shine for me too. I love you. Yesterday and today and tomorrow, I'll say it again and again, I love you more."
I love you more, Marco! (Googly Bear)
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
One year today
One year ago, today, I was sitting on a bus bound for Johannesburg on the first leg of my journey to Hong Kong. I can't believe how fast time has flown since then and as I reflect on my time there I cannot say thank you enough to the Hong Kong base. I realize now just how incredibly helpful the staff there was!!
Our team was given a fully furnished, quaint little apartment to use while we stayed there. Plus as a bonus, there was nothing upstairs except a big open room which was perfect for prayer and worship. I remember one time, Renette went up there to make a phone call late at night and when she went back down to the apartment the door was locked and she was without a key, so she slept on the cold concrete floor that night! I remember waking up and wondering where Renette was, only to find out later that she had slept upstairs. We all felt so terrible!! It was refreshing to be able to buy our own groceries for the first time and under Renette's careful watch, eat healthily.
The staff at the Hong Kong base was more than helpful by providing lectures that we had missed out on in the first half of our trip. By being super supportive and some of the friendliest people I have ever miss! It is evident how well gifted this base is with hospitality. Everyone is inclusive of one another, offering help and support when necessary. Stepping in to provide reconciliation for my team, a gift I am grateful beyond words for! I appreciate everyone at that base and want to wish everyone there the best!
I cannot believe how fast these past few months have flown by. I have been home for close to 9 months, and as is evident from my last post, itching to travel again. I think my parents are a little apprehensive though, so this girl is travelling about as far as Chicago lately. Again, though I cannot express my gratitude towards the HK base and will forever cherish memories from the short 6 weeks spent there. I look forward to future Christmases spent in Hong Kong participating in the Christmas ministry once again!!
All my love,
Manda :)
Our team was given a fully furnished, quaint little apartment to use while we stayed there. Plus as a bonus, there was nothing upstairs except a big open room which was perfect for prayer and worship. I remember one time, Renette went up there to make a phone call late at night and when she went back down to the apartment the door was locked and she was without a key, so she slept on the cold concrete floor that night! I remember waking up and wondering where Renette was, only to find out later that she had slept upstairs. We all felt so terrible!! It was refreshing to be able to buy our own groceries for the first time and under Renette's careful watch, eat healthily.
The staff at the Hong Kong base was more than helpful by providing lectures that we had missed out on in the first half of our trip. By being super supportive and some of the friendliest people I have ever miss! It is evident how well gifted this base is with hospitality. Everyone is inclusive of one another, offering help and support when necessary. Stepping in to provide reconciliation for my team, a gift I am grateful beyond words for! I appreciate everyone at that base and want to wish everyone there the best!
I cannot believe how fast these past few months have flown by. I have been home for close to 9 months, and as is evident from my last post, itching to travel again. I think my parents are a little apprehensive though, so this girl is travelling about as far as Chicago lately. Again, though I cannot express my gratitude towards the HK base and will forever cherish memories from the short 6 weeks spent there. I look forward to future Christmases spent in Hong Kong participating in the Christmas ministry once again!!
All my love,
Manda :)
Oh happy day!
So I have officially decided I don't want to live in America. I would rather live in Africa: Zimbabwe, Tanzania, Malawi, Rwanda, wherever! I have come to the conclusion that to be honest, life in America is boring!! Let's be honest, what do most people do when they get home from work? Make dinner, put the kids to bed, and watch TV. What happened to adventure? When did sitting in front of a TV for the remainder of the night become the social norm?
I lived my life more fully in those short six months in South Africa than I did in the rest of my life. I suppose if there was a drastic shift in the normalcy of life within the US I would consider staying. But what happened to having friends over for dinner on a Tuesday night? Or going to a movie on Thursday? "Well you know...It's a school night.." SO!! People don't live anymore, they merely survive with a few bouts of enjoyment here and there.
I want to live. I want to experience life. I want to kiss cheetahs and play in the ocean. I want to be surrounded by children and feel the warmth of the sun on my skin. I want to enjoy food for it's quality and not because of its sustenance. I want to write everyday and read more. I want to not know what's going on with this celebrity or that but constantly be in the know of how my friends are doing. And I had that in South Africa.
Maybe it was because of the community lifestyle present, which could be implemented back in the states. But most often, people prefer to shut their doors and leave them that way, whether physically or metaphorically. But in Africa, doors and hearts alike are wide open. Welcoming. Accepting. Warm. Genuine.
I want to live life to the fullest, so that I can look back and feel that I truly ENJOYED my life. I can't promise that there won't be regrets, in fact I can guarantee that there will be. But in the end, those regrets will be far outweighed by the joy of knowing that I am fulfilling what I am called to do, which is to love those around me. Whether that means those around me are down the dorm hallway at USD or down the dirt path in Mozambique.
I will be going back one day. But for now, I continue to pursue my degree because I know that THIS is what God has called me to at this point in my life. It just means that I have that much more of motivation to finish my degree so I can go back! Oh happy day when I board the plane destined for Africa! :)
I lived my life more fully in those short six months in South Africa than I did in the rest of my life. I suppose if there was a drastic shift in the normalcy of life within the US I would consider staying. But what happened to having friends over for dinner on a Tuesday night? Or going to a movie on Thursday? "Well you know...It's a school night.." SO!! People don't live anymore, they merely survive with a few bouts of enjoyment here and there.
I want to live. I want to experience life. I want to kiss cheetahs and play in the ocean. I want to be surrounded by children and feel the warmth of the sun on my skin. I want to enjoy food for it's quality and not because of its sustenance. I want to write everyday and read more. I want to not know what's going on with this celebrity or that but constantly be in the know of how my friends are doing. And I had that in South Africa.
Maybe it was because of the community lifestyle present, which could be implemented back in the states. But most often, people prefer to shut their doors and leave them that way, whether physically or metaphorically. But in Africa, doors and hearts alike are wide open. Welcoming. Accepting. Warm. Genuine.
I want to live life to the fullest, so that I can look back and feel that I truly ENJOYED my life. I can't promise that there won't be regrets, in fact I can guarantee that there will be. But in the end, those regrets will be far outweighed by the joy of knowing that I am fulfilling what I am called to do, which is to love those around me. Whether that means those around me are down the dorm hallway at USD or down the dirt path in Mozambique.
I will be going back one day. But for now, I continue to pursue my degree because I know that THIS is what God has called me to at this point in my life. It just means that I have that much more of motivation to finish my degree so I can go back! Oh happy day when I board the plane destined for Africa! :)
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Southernisms
When I first started thinking about writing a response to the language prompt I figured I would write about when I went to Hong Kong but the more I thought about it the more I realized how obvious it is to write a response to a heavily populated, small amount of English speaking country. So I thought I would write about when I first moved to Texas and the STRANGE language they use there.
When I first moved to Texas one of the first phrases I heard (besides y'all) was "Bless her heart". And to my naivety, I thought people were being genuinely nice. Nope, "bless her heart" in 'southern' actually means "What a hoe" or something along those lines. Other odd sayings include "On me like white on rice", "Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit" and "Barking up the wrong tree". Some I could guess the meaning, others I was left clueless and was never really given a clear answer as to their meaning. I think the Southerners don't even know what they mean!
I can't carry on too much considering I picked up a few of their quirks. Shortly after leaving for Africa I had referred to my teammates as "y'all" which resulted in me being nicknamed Texas. I have caught myself every once in a while saying "Bless her heart", and often feel like an imposter when it is murmured.
It's interesting because unlike Hong Kong, I never really asked for an interpretation (which I sometimes should have) when I didn't understand a phrase. I seemed to just smile and nod along pretending I knew exactly what the other person was talking about. And once I picked up on some of the lingo, it was amazing how much more people were careful what phrases were spoken when I was around. Interesting...
Coming back to South Dakota, I realize how much more of the language and phrases resonate with me. Not only do I know them all, but I use them on a regualr basis. I never feel lost or excluded from conversations anymore. And now I don't have to wonder whether when someone says "Bless her heart" if they are being genuine, because chances are here in SD they are!
Q: What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
A: Dam!
When I first moved to Texas one of the first phrases I heard (besides y'all) was "Bless her heart". And to my naivety, I thought people were being genuinely nice. Nope, "bless her heart" in 'southern' actually means "What a hoe" or something along those lines. Other odd sayings include "On me like white on rice", "Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit" and "Barking up the wrong tree". Some I could guess the meaning, others I was left clueless and was never really given a clear answer as to their meaning. I think the Southerners don't even know what they mean!
I can't carry on too much considering I picked up a few of their quirks. Shortly after leaving for Africa I had referred to my teammates as "y'all" which resulted in me being nicknamed Texas. I have caught myself every once in a while saying "Bless her heart", and often feel like an imposter when it is murmured.
It's interesting because unlike Hong Kong, I never really asked for an interpretation (which I sometimes should have) when I didn't understand a phrase. I seemed to just smile and nod along pretending I knew exactly what the other person was talking about. And once I picked up on some of the lingo, it was amazing how much more people were careful what phrases were spoken when I was around. Interesting...
Coming back to South Dakota, I realize how much more of the language and phrases resonate with me. Not only do I know them all, but I use them on a regualr basis. I never feel lost or excluded from conversations anymore. And now I don't have to wonder whether when someone says "Bless her heart" if they are being genuine, because chances are here in SD they are!
Q: What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
A: Dam!
Freud was right?
For as long as I can remember, I have been terrified of killer whales, yet captivated at the same time. Several years back I went to Sea World with my grandparents and during the entire Shamu performance was frozen to my seat out of fear yet amazement all in one, and when presented with the opportunity to meet Shamu, backed out. I'm not sure exactly why they terrify me, most likely because of their size and similarities to sharks (and I believe partly because of the name "Killer" whale, even though I full well know they don't eat humans).
Ever since I was a kid though, I have had a dream of being on a sailboat in the middle of the Arctic ocean surrounded by multiple pods of killer whales. I was the only one on the boat, something that I had no clue on how to manuever, being encircled by orcas. Throughout the course of the dream, the whales would grow increasingly brave and bump the boat throwing my balance completely off. It was typically at this point that I was shaken away, due to be "thrown" in my dream. And much like falling dreams I often woke with a jolt, suddenly thrown back into the real world. I tried to convince myself that it was just a dream but often times, I would wake up in a dazed state unsure of which universe I was really in, only furthering my fear.
This dream has haunted me for years and I have never been sure of it's meaning. I think that part of it stems from the fear of complete and utter helplessness in a setting that is not my own. Where I am the victim and am the mercy of the whales. I have never been a strong swimmer, despite how often my dad tried to teach me or help me, I seemed to be lacking the fish gene that my father seems to possess, so being in the middle of a freezing ocean is something that is completely out of my element and a fear factor in and of itself. I think the combination of my initial apprehensiveness of orcas combined with my fear of water and the feeling of helplessness has created this collection of ultimate fear that continually lingers in my subconcious. And much like Freud's hypothesis of dreams, I belive the brain reveals deeper levels of subconcious thinking and unspoken desires through dreams. If this is to be true and this dream stems from a deeper fear of water and killer whales then I should probably avoid adding 'kayaking with killer whales in Alaska' to my bucket list.
Q: Why did the whale cross the ocean?
A: To get to the other tide :)
Ever since I was a kid though, I have had a dream of being on a sailboat in the middle of the Arctic ocean surrounded by multiple pods of killer whales. I was the only one on the boat, something that I had no clue on how to manuever, being encircled by orcas. Throughout the course of the dream, the whales would grow increasingly brave and bump the boat throwing my balance completely off. It was typically at this point that I was shaken away, due to be "thrown" in my dream. And much like falling dreams I often woke with a jolt, suddenly thrown back into the real world. I tried to convince myself that it was just a dream but often times, I would wake up in a dazed state unsure of which universe I was really in, only furthering my fear.
This dream has haunted me for years and I have never been sure of it's meaning. I think that part of it stems from the fear of complete and utter helplessness in a setting that is not my own. Where I am the victim and am the mercy of the whales. I have never been a strong swimmer, despite how often my dad tried to teach me or help me, I seemed to be lacking the fish gene that my father seems to possess, so being in the middle of a freezing ocean is something that is completely out of my element and a fear factor in and of itself. I think the combination of my initial apprehensiveness of orcas combined with my fear of water and the feeling of helplessness has created this collection of ultimate fear that continually lingers in my subconcious. And much like Freud's hypothesis of dreams, I belive the brain reveals deeper levels of subconcious thinking and unspoken desires through dreams. If this is to be true and this dream stems from a deeper fear of water and killer whales then I should probably avoid adding 'kayaking with killer whales in Alaska' to my bucket list.
Q: Why did the whale cross the ocean?
A: To get to the other tide :)
Survival v. Satisfaction
Food has never been something used merely for survival but rather something that is used in celebratory situations and in certain situations for comfort. I hate to admit it, but often times when I'm upset I go for the nearest tub of Ben & Jerry's or when I have reason to celebrate off to go out to eat! This emotional connection to food has provided as a pitfall for years, often resulting in binge eating and attachment to food in ways that I shouldn't be. As a kid, I was extremely picking eating only chicken nuggets and mashed potatoes. I am proud to say though that as I have aged, my bravery in food as increased exponentially. Thus far in my life I have had bear, squid, octopus, shark, alligator, and crocodile!
I'm not sure I have a favorite meal or favorite food. But I really enjoy breakfast foods, any kind and any time of the day. I love eggs and waffles and french toast and pancakes and bicuits with gravy and hashbrowns. So I guess I would say that I have a favorite food or more a favorite food type. In contrast to my favorite foods, I definitely have foods that have made my "Hate" list, such as: enchiladas (for a long time it was anything Mexian), pot pies, and squashes/zuchini.
By travelling to South Africa and Hong Kong I have learned that I am a lot more adventurous with foods than I originally thought. And that it's not just an American thing to associate food with emotions, in fact I would say that other countries have more of an emotional connection than Americans, making me feel that much better about myself! Food, for me, is so much more than sustenance. It's an experience, a unifier, a conversation starter, and an adventure - one that I hope to always partake in.
I haven't done a joke in a while..
Q: Why wouldn't the oysters share their lunch?
A: They were 2 shellfish! (I know it's bad but it's the best I could find)
I'm not sure I have a favorite meal or favorite food. But I really enjoy breakfast foods, any kind and any time of the day. I love eggs and waffles and french toast and pancakes and bicuits with gravy and hashbrowns. So I guess I would say that I have a favorite food or more a favorite food type. In contrast to my favorite foods, I definitely have foods that have made my "Hate" list, such as: enchiladas (for a long time it was anything Mexian), pot pies, and squashes/zuchini.
By travelling to South Africa and Hong Kong I have learned that I am a lot more adventurous with foods than I originally thought. And that it's not just an American thing to associate food with emotions, in fact I would say that other countries have more of an emotional connection than Americans, making me feel that much better about myself! Food, for me, is so much more than sustenance. It's an experience, a unifier, a conversation starter, and an adventure - one that I hope to always partake in.
I haven't done a joke in a while..
Q: Why wouldn't the oysters share their lunch?
A: They were 2 shellfish! (I know it's bad but it's the best I could find)
Monday, December 3, 2012
Romans 8:15
A week ago today, Nate was diagnosed as having cancerous cells in his system. And to be honest, upon learning the news I broke down. I would love to say that this was not the only time it has happened throughout this process, but I can't. I cried when Nate called me to tell me. I cried the day I saw him for the first time in the hospital. I cried the day ADEM showed up. I cried when I visited him in the ICU. But none of these were as heartbreaking as this last time. I thought that we were out of the woods and that the stemcell transplant solved this whole cancer thing, so to learn that it had come back with a vengance was literally heart breaking. To have to see him continue through these trials when I am so helpless to the situation is distressing.
I know that through this whole process, Nate has been guided by the Holy Spirit and it has been so encouraging to watch his influence that he has on others (including myself) through all of this. He has been so upbeat, rarely complaining, when others who have it far better gripe about every little thing. Nate has made sure he follows the Spirit in every decision he makes and it is more than amazing to be able to watch his faith mature and permeate throughout the hospital as he continues to focus on the Lord and all that He is doing in Nate and other's lives.
So last Monday night I broke down. I couldn't take it anymore. I was tired, emotionally drained, and upset. And as cliche as it sounds I ended up crying myself to sleep that night. However, I had to pick myself up for class Tuesday morning so I hopped in the shower before going to class and yet again, the tears came. This time though, I stopped abruptly. I heard someone whisper and soon after realized that whisper was from God. (I know it's SO cheesy but it's true!!) He was asking me why am I worried? Why am I afraid? Is He no the God of the UNIVERSE?! He then proceeded to tell me to chill my pants, that He has this under control and that He has not fully revealed His glory yet. That He knows exactly what He is doing, through Nate, the doctors, nurses, and even Nate's family and that one day His glory will fully be revealed but for now I need to trust Him, and if I had been doing that before this rediagnosis why couldn't I do it now? I then got the verse Romans 8:15 which at the time I just assumed the one that talks about "all things working for the good of those who love Him." But when I got back to my room later that day I decided to look it up and find out what it actually says.
"For you did not receive a spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry "Abba, Father!". This verse hit me particularly hard for several different reasons.
1) I am called not to be AFRAID! It says in the bible approximately 365 times "not to be afraid". And over and over again, there are stories in the bible of seemingly impossible tasks being accomplished because of the power of God. (David & Goliath, Joshua & the wall, Sarah's conception, the virgin conception, Jesus feeding the 5,000, and so on) And yet here I am, wallowing in my cowardly ways, untrustingly afraid of what is to come
2) We are children of the Almighty God! I don't have kids but I have Marco and I know that I would do anything for that kid! If I feel that way about my brother, how much more does God feel about us? And if that's the case, then I can fully trust that our FATHER is taking care of Nate. That as his Heavenly Father He is sovereign and in control and loving on Nate more than I possibly ever could.
3) I don't have to worry about my prayers. I'm not saying that I don't have to pray at all. But I certainly don't have to worry about the words that I pray. I can trust that the Holy Spirit is interceding through me on Nate's behalf communicating to the Father my desires, heartaches, and needs fully knowing each one. What a relief!
4) Through all of these breakdowns from that one verse, I can come to trust that God's glory will be revealed for HIS glory and not for mine or Nate's or the Kittelson's. I can trust that though the path to seeing His glory may not be easy, it is good. I can trust that through His glory, God is in Nate, God is with Nate, and good is ahead of Nate. Guaranteed! I can trust that despite the situation, despite what I know (more of what I DON'T know) God is revealing himself to others through this and that Nate is developing one HECK of a testimony and has the opportunity that not everyone gets, to see God's glory to focusedly manifested through him onto others. What a blessing! And what a blessing for those of us that get to hang out with Nate!
I refuse to cry. Not because I believe it shows weakness, but rather because I believe there is no longer a use for it. If God is being glorified, then why should I be afraid?! I urge all of you to continue to pray for Nate as physically, he is not doing well. Please pray for physical healing but more imporatntly, I believe, that God continue to be glorified through this all, as I know He is.
I eagerly look forward to being home and possible seeing Nate again, but until then I continue to pray and trust in the Father and ask that you do the same.
All my love <3
I know that through this whole process, Nate has been guided by the Holy Spirit and it has been so encouraging to watch his influence that he has on others (including myself) through all of this. He has been so upbeat, rarely complaining, when others who have it far better gripe about every little thing. Nate has made sure he follows the Spirit in every decision he makes and it is more than amazing to be able to watch his faith mature and permeate throughout the hospital as he continues to focus on the Lord and all that He is doing in Nate and other's lives.
So last Monday night I broke down. I couldn't take it anymore. I was tired, emotionally drained, and upset. And as cliche as it sounds I ended up crying myself to sleep that night. However, I had to pick myself up for class Tuesday morning so I hopped in the shower before going to class and yet again, the tears came. This time though, I stopped abruptly. I heard someone whisper and soon after realized that whisper was from God. (I know it's SO cheesy but it's true!!) He was asking me why am I worried? Why am I afraid? Is He no the God of the UNIVERSE?! He then proceeded to tell me to chill my pants, that He has this under control and that He has not fully revealed His glory yet. That He knows exactly what He is doing, through Nate, the doctors, nurses, and even Nate's family and that one day His glory will fully be revealed but for now I need to trust Him, and if I had been doing that before this rediagnosis why couldn't I do it now? I then got the verse Romans 8:15 which at the time I just assumed the one that talks about "all things working for the good of those who love Him." But when I got back to my room later that day I decided to look it up and find out what it actually says.
"For you did not receive a spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry "Abba, Father!". This verse hit me particularly hard for several different reasons.
1) I am called not to be AFRAID! It says in the bible approximately 365 times "not to be afraid". And over and over again, there are stories in the bible of seemingly impossible tasks being accomplished because of the power of God. (David & Goliath, Joshua & the wall, Sarah's conception, the virgin conception, Jesus feeding the 5,000, and so on) And yet here I am, wallowing in my cowardly ways, untrustingly afraid of what is to come
2) We are children of the Almighty God! I don't have kids but I have Marco and I know that I would do anything for that kid! If I feel that way about my brother, how much more does God feel about us? And if that's the case, then I can fully trust that our FATHER is taking care of Nate. That as his Heavenly Father He is sovereign and in control and loving on Nate more than I possibly ever could.
3) I don't have to worry about my prayers. I'm not saying that I don't have to pray at all. But I certainly don't have to worry about the words that I pray. I can trust that the Holy Spirit is interceding through me on Nate's behalf communicating to the Father my desires, heartaches, and needs fully knowing each one. What a relief!
4) Through all of these breakdowns from that one verse, I can come to trust that God's glory will be revealed for HIS glory and not for mine or Nate's or the Kittelson's. I can trust that though the path to seeing His glory may not be easy, it is good. I can trust that through His glory, God is in Nate, God is with Nate, and good is ahead of Nate. Guaranteed! I can trust that despite the situation, despite what I know (more of what I DON'T know) God is revealing himself to others through this and that Nate is developing one HECK of a testimony and has the opportunity that not everyone gets, to see God's glory to focusedly manifested through him onto others. What a blessing! And what a blessing for those of us that get to hang out with Nate!
I refuse to cry. Not because I believe it shows weakness, but rather because I believe there is no longer a use for it. If God is being glorified, then why should I be afraid?! I urge all of you to continue to pray for Nate as physically, he is not doing well. Please pray for physical healing but more imporatntly, I believe, that God continue to be glorified through this all, as I know He is.
I eagerly look forward to being home and possible seeing Nate again, but until then I continue to pray and trust in the Father and ask that you do the same.
All my love <3
The Human Shield
You are not going to believe this but I am actually a superhero. I have just compromised my identity to you but I feel it is in your best interest to know of this condition. I was born with mutant skin which is immune to penetration of any sort. For your safety I figure it best you know before this gets carried away. I was born this way and have used this as an advantage against criminals and the villians of the town, to keep civilians safe by becoming the Human Shield. Yes, that is me. But I'm afraid now that you know my secret identity, the confidentiality of this secret cannot be compromised and you will unfortnuately need to be exterminated. And this is why I cannot get my flu shot today.
Best Study Session EVER!
So earlier tonight Kayla and I decided to go to the library to get homework done together since we have been procrastinating on it like there's no tomorrow. We stopped at UBrew to pick up some coffee/tea to help with the lack of energy and I'm nearly positive the outcomes of tonight are a direct result of the amount of caffeine within our systems. So once we got into the study room, chaos ensued. Both Kayla and I continued to procrastinate on Facebook despite both of our determination to finish homework. I started to set to work and began to chant "I can do this! I can do this! I can do this!" before breaking into a whine along the lines of "I don't WANT to do this!!!..." Yeah...motivation failed me at that point. I then proceeded to notice Kayla continuing to puruse Facebook and told her to get off when she so sassily responded with "I'm sorry. NO! I'm not sorry!!". Then later in the evening I asked to Kayla to throw away my coffee cup for me since she was closer and snarkily responded with "Yeah. I will be able to make it in anyways." In which she then proceeded to throw the coffee cup and miss the trash can all together. Which was followed by a string of "Dang it! Shoot! Crap!" shortly after.
After a while of productive working I asked if we could listen to Christmas music, to which Kayla replied "As long as it isn't like 'OOOOOooooohhh. OOOOO. ooooooh.' kind of music." Are we listening to ghosts? Then later on in the evening we sang Feliz Navidad together while making funny faces. I'm rambling so I will stop now.
All in all, it has been one of the best study sessions I think I have ever had. And I still have two hours left :)
After a while of productive working I asked if we could listen to Christmas music, to which Kayla replied "As long as it isn't like 'OOOOOooooohhh. OOOOO. ooooooh.' kind of music." Are we listening to ghosts? Then later on in the evening we sang Feliz Navidad together while making funny faces. I'm rambling so I will stop now.
All in all, it has been one of the best study sessions I think I have ever had. And I still have two hours left :)
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Nate's condition
Hey everyone,
For those of you that don't know, Nate had a bone marrow biopsy the other day and found out that the cancer has returned (if it ever even left?). Approximately, 60% of his cells are cancerous and it seems that it has returned with a vengance. He was given a dose of Methotrexate to bring back out of danger and are currently working on a course of action. I will keep you all updated as I know more. But for now, please continue to pray for healing, as we are all trusting God in that, as well as strength for his family and this is incredibly draining. Also, in the aspect of healing please pray for divinely quickened healing!! We are trusting in a full recovery but it gets so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when the light continues to move!
Your prayers are appreciated beyond words and I continue to believe, even in the face of adversity, that prayer has significant power!
Thank you for all the love and support :)
all my love,
Manda
For those of you that don't know, Nate had a bone marrow biopsy the other day and found out that the cancer has returned (if it ever even left?). Approximately, 60% of his cells are cancerous and it seems that it has returned with a vengance. He was given a dose of Methotrexate to bring back out of danger and are currently working on a course of action. I will keep you all updated as I know more. But for now, please continue to pray for healing, as we are all trusting God in that, as well as strength for his family and this is incredibly draining. Also, in the aspect of healing please pray for divinely quickened healing!! We are trusting in a full recovery but it gets so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when the light continues to move!
Your prayers are appreciated beyond words and I continue to believe, even in the face of adversity, that prayer has significant power!
Thank you for all the love and support :)
all my love,
Manda
Monday, November 19, 2012
THANKSgiving
I thought it only fitting, that with Thanksgiving this week that I take time to actually reflect on what I have to be thankful for. And to be honest, when I first started writing my list it was extremely cliche with things like family and friends, but the more I brainstormed the more things poured out (some obscure and others revelatory). And the more I thought of things the more I wanted to add to my list but for time's (and your sanity's) sake I thought I would keep it fairly short.
Q: If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
A: Pilgrims!
- First and foremost I am beyond grateful for new life. The fact that I have been given a second chance by the Creator of the Universe astounds me everytime I think of it. Because, well to be honest, I am nowhere near worthy of a second chance. I am not even worthy of a consideration of a second chance and yet as a Father, God of the universe says "Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and saldals on his feet. Brong the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was adead and is alive again; he was lost and is found." Not only this, but the Father runs to me, meeting me where I am, in my shame and guilt letting me know that through Jesus Christ I am a "new creation, the old is gone, the new has come!" and for this I am forever thankful.
- From that first subject of my gratitude, all other gifts flow (and in abundance)! I am so incredibly grateful for family. I seriously have the best family on the earth!! I don't mean to brag or anything, but what family drives 14 hours to meet their daughter at the airport after coming home from Africa?! My relationship with both of my parents is such a HUGE blessing in my life, something that I so often take for granted. I am so blessed to not only have both of my parents alive and well but also in such an open relationship with them that I can come to them with seriously ANYTHING. I know some people say that, but I mean it, I tell my parents anything and everything. My sister is truly my best friend and one of the few people that I can divulge myself fully to without judgment. I trust her advice, knowing she has been through all this before, and trust her in keeping my best in her interests. She is passionate beyond belief and someone that I dreamed of emulating as a child, and still do as an adult. And then there is Marco. My sweet googly-bear. Even trying to express how grateful I am for this kid brings tears to my eyes (no joke). Marco has shown me a world filled with continual joy, even in the face of hardships, a world without prejudice, and a world filled with unabashed passions! I love each one of my family members more than I could possibly express with words and am overflowing with gratefulness that God would bless me with such an incredible family!
- Extended off of family, I am so thankful for my friends! Both Kayla and Ashton have been instrumental in shaping me into who I am in challenging me to become a better person, expressing my true without shame, and simply enjoying life. All the while, having the patience of a saint to deal with my constant worrying and overthinking of every situationt that has seemed to arise. And on top of it all, these two have gone above and beyond in working to keep the friendships sustained despite over 1,000 miles between us! I cannot say thank you enough to both my Heavenly Father but also to these two for being the two best friends a girl could seriously have!! And then there is Joel, Doug and Nate. 3 of the most genuine, compassionate, and hilarious, dare I say it, MEN that I have ever met! These three are constantly making me laugh and challenging to look beyond myself and meet others where they are, with them setting the example. I am so grateful for Joel's clearly God-given gift of knowledge and leadership and his mentorship that has helped provide an anchor in some serious times of need. For Nate's unending compassion and love for those around him, incredible patience that many of us could learn from, and Doug's ability to listen more than he speaks. Along with Kayla and Ashton, these three have guided me into becoming the person that I want to be but more importantly the person that God wants me to be, all while explifying his grace and goodness and earthly/tangible manners. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
- This one has multiple facets but I am so thankful for the opportunities presented to me. I have experienced more in the last year than some people will ever get to in their lifetime. Not only was I able to fulfill my dream of going to Africa, I also got to go to Hong Kong. And on top of it all, when I got home I was able to attend University, something that so often is complained about and taken for granted in the U.S. This time last year, I was eating chicken (the closest thing to turkey I could get), mashed potatoes, and going to the beach. And so often I find myself complaining about the things that went wrong during my trip. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! I am grateful beyond words for the experiences that I have had, even older ones such as the adoption of Marco, that has given me a clear purpose in life. I am so thankful to my parents for allowing me to go on the excursions, for allowing me to explore and discover myself and the world around, an experience that has forever changed me!
- And finally, I am thankful for beauty. I am thankful for the beauty found in the lyrics of a Mumford & Sons song, the complex skill of an artist such as Van Gogh, the love between newlyweds and in first time parents and their new baby. I am thankful for the gloriousness of nature, the vastness of the plains and the rolling hills to the lapping waves and stretching mountains. I am thankful for the beauty found in children, the joy that they so often bring into a world that desperately needs it. I am thankful for the beauty of people that no two people are alike and each having characteristics that establish them as "fearfully and wonderfully made". And above all, I am thankful for the beauty of the cross. (I know it's so cliche) but it's true! I am thankful for the beauty of self sacrifice and agape love. A love that is so undeserved yet so freely given and the beauty of it all.
Q: If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
A: Pilgrims!
Friday, November 16, 2012
Don't you fret, my dear
Kingdom Come by The Civil Wars
Run, run, run away
Buy yourself another day
A cold wind's whispering secrets in your ear
So low only you can hear
Run, run, run and hide
Somewhere no one else can find
Tall trees bend and lean pointing where to go
Where you will still be all alone
Don't you fret, my dear
It'll all be over soon
I'll be waiting here for you
Run fast as you can
No one has to understand
Fly high across the sky from here to kingdom come
Fall back down to where you're from
Don't you fret, my dear
It'll all be over soon
I'll be waiting here for you
For you, for you
Don't you fret, my dear
(Don't you fret, my dear)
It'll all be over soon
(It'll all be over soon)
I'll be waiting here
Don't you fret, my dear
It'll be over soon
I'll be waiting here for you
For you, For you
Run, Run, Run Away
Run, Run, Run Away
Buy yourself another day
A cold wind's whispering secrets in your ear
So low only you can hear
Run, run, run and hide
Somewhere no one else can find
Tall trees bend and lean pointing where to go
Where you will still be all alone
Don't you fret, my dear
It'll all be over soon
I'll be waiting here for you
Run fast as you can
No one has to understand
Fly high across the sky from here to kingdom come
Fall back down to where you're from
Don't you fret, my dear
It'll all be over soon
I'll be waiting here for you
For you, for you
Don't you fret, my dear
(Don't you fret, my dear)
It'll all be over soon
(It'll all be over soon)
I'll be waiting here
Don't you fret, my dear
It'll be over soon
I'll be waiting here for you
For you, For you
Run, Run, Run Away
Run, Run, Run Away
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